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"Pensive," she offers instead

"About what?"

Sela shrugs "Lots of things"

"Not helpful," I say with a small smile, and I'm heartened when she returns it

"What are you doing ho the least surprised and in a suave change of subjects Or ray that see from her

"Thought I'd co her legs through her denim jeans

And suddenly, a little color coives me a sweet ss, which dislodgesinto my body She presses her cheek to ht around my waist

"I'lad," she whispers

I squeeze her affectionately, rubbing my hand into her lower back "What do you want to do?"

She doesn't hesitate aback, she drops the utility knife to the hardwood floor where it clatters uncereers underneath , she turns toward the hallway that leads to our bedroom

"I want to fuck," she says simply, and who am I to deny her?

I follow her back

Chapter 21

Sela

I pull offit to the floor Beck walks over to the dresser and takes off his watch, setting it on the polished top He then pulls his own top off, a light gray cashht places

My stoinally as his back is revealed to me and I take in the red phoenix on his shoulder I know inby sihteen and in his last year of prep school JT is four years older,he would have been twenty-then he raped me That alone doesn't add up

But more than that, I just know Beck would never have that in him He would never hurt or violate a wo rape His violent reaction to JT that night he tried to drug that woman proves it, and besidesI just know it deep in my soul

At least that's what I tell myself every time I see that tattoo

I noraze aait for him to turn that beautiful chestsadness I've been feeling the last few days seems to compound as I look upon it He toes his shoes off Undoes his belt

I stare at the phoenix, hating that there's a part of Beck that I hate

Hating it evento him

Ever

since last Friday when he caughtback into the condowhen he calledhow deceptive I was beingI've beenthose few oing to throw me clean from his life, I knew inthat ever happened tofuriously to get him to see past e on JT was not ever going to be worth the hurt I could put on Beck

Despite that horrid tattoo that see that was taken away froh with my plans

Today I wandered around the condo aimlessly, my copy of his office key tucked into the botto in the bathroom It was the prime opportunity for me to search his office, and yet I steered clear of it, refusing to even look at that fucking office door

Even if I kneithout a doubt that there was a clear-cut answer in there about how I could avenge myself, I just couldn't make myself do it I just couldn't betray Beck in that way Even more horrific to consider was the effect it could have on hi JT, especially if he ever realized that he was an unwitting partner in ive himself, and I cannot bear to ever lay a torturous burden like that upon him

And while I'd been in a funk since our near undoing last week, I sank into a dark depression today as I realized o unfulfilled While inBeck in a coh for eance So sunk into hts, I had pulled the utility knife out of Beck's kitchen drawer and carried it around with me

Did I think about using it on myself?

Not really

But I held on to that vile thing as a reminder of how far I'd sunk before, and that at that point into live for

With Beck in my life, I couldn't say that now

So itto be a part of ed, and I would just have to live with it

I would just have to learn to live with it

Beck turns to face me, but the tattoo is still in my peripheral vision as his back is reflected in the mirror that sits on top of the dresser He s the belt free of its loops and dropping it to the floor