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I had a giant penis in my purse I’d let a bit of air out of it so I could squish it down, its plastic inflatable body contorted into odd angles, bits of it poking out of the top I’ve been carrying the thing around for three days now Yesterday, I needed to find y in the bottom of ainst the counter in order to find the teeny purple swipe card The guy behind me chuckled, and the cashier looked horrified, but that was probably due to the two kids who had just skipped in, a frazzled soccer mom in tow

I’d apologized to all involved parties and struggled to get the penis BACK in the bag, which was a ti banned froht? IGive me a Sharpie and squint a little, and I could turn it into a snake Or a really tall lets’ sake

I keptand rounded the corner, hoofing it a little to keep Declan Moss inon that tall frao, I saw him pick that pinstripe number out at Men’s Warehouse My playlist had been disrupted by a painfully annoying 90’s song and I’d al out the food court and toward his truck faster than a Supermarket Sweep contestant

My headache, which had started two hours ago and was peaking upward at an alarled,lanced at my watch Normally he was in the office by now, my attempted entrances routinely thwarted by the brunette bitch at his front desk, as a ninja at keeping me out Declan approached the cross street at Madison Ave and I cranedtraffic

A duht, toward the intersection Pain radiated throughas his head dropped, his attention pulled to his phone He glanced left, then back down at his cell, continuing to move forward

The truck ru over a pothole, and I willed Declan to look up, to stop ers moved over the phone’s slick screen and he moved another step forward

I ilasses cracking, body SPLATTING Another lightning bolt of pain ricocheted through my temple

I droppedout like one of those snakes in a can A big, swollen, flesh-colored snake I grabbed it and swung it through the air “HEY!” I screeched “PURPLE PEOPLE EATERS!” I could have yelled his na to stay under the radar

The people ina pants and a sports bra lifted her phone and took a photo of me I squatted down as low astowards the sky, tossing the penis into the air I snuck a look at Declan, who had glanced over his shoulder and was now turning back to the street, his head shaking The pain in h of relief at the dueous architect under its wheels

A dude with rolled up pant legs and an EAT VEGAN shirt stopped in front of me “You need help”

I snorted as the penis fluttered down and slulanced back at Declan, but he was gone, across the street and into his building, the huge skyscraper sucking him in

It was the second tiratitude in return But, that was fine

I reached down and pulled at the penis’s stopper, watching as the nude appendage deflated with a loud sputter, its purpose fulfilled

Letting out a sigh, I glanced up the building’s face, and wondered where he was inside of it

It didn’t matter I knehere to find him next

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Declan leaned against the glass wall of his office, his eyes on the street belohere his stalker h the crowds, a pool float of so the flow of traffic, suits skirting around her, her bright pink sweater standing out in the crowd She came to a stop next to the corner trashcan and tried to stuff the ite door It wouldn’t fit and she pulled it out, shaking out the design and atte to see the iteotten of her in the crowd, chanting her nonsense, but it was, in fact, a penis Behind her, aover to open the can Any hopes she would turn her fixations on hiesture What was this girl’s deal?