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Brentwood, Los Angeles

May 12, 11 pm

It never rains in Los Angeles in May, so the lighton my bare arms is a surprise The last surprise I will have on this earth But that’s OK I’ve come to hate surprises

Our yard looks beautiful, lush and green I a, just athat word I kno that ht that Doug crashed on the 405, burned alive in his beloved Tesla: that was the beginning

Not that I knew it at the ti back then

The gun in er, feels small and harmless, like a toy The un for a wos or a silk scarf I tried to take ’s … after he died I took pills, h, but I was unlucky My housekeeper, Rita, found un will get the job done

I’h as a psychologist I’ve treated countless patients who are It’s a control thing, ultimately Fear of the unknown The way I see it, what I’ the world on your own terms is a luxury

Not everybody gets that chance

Too ht another kind, decent man lost his life A man I cared about A man who cared about me

This can’t go on I have to end it

The rai

n is getting heavier I wipe rip less slippery No un toand I built together A white clapboard, East Coast ‘estate’, beautifully lit, with a romantic balcony off the master suite that has views all the way to the ocean Our dream ho but nightmares

I close my eyes and see their faces, one by one, like patterns on a kaleidoscope

The ones I loved: Doug Anne

The ones I could have loved Lou We’ll never knohat ht have been

The ones I let down: Lisa Trey Derek I’m so very sorry

My last thought is for the ones I hated

You knoho you are May you rot in hell

I start to cry I know this is wrong I wish there were another way

But wishing never fixed anything

CHAPTER TWO

CHARLOTTE

Ten years earlier …