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Chapter 1

February

I TOSSin the door of my rental car and practically throw myself in after it Once the door is safely closed, I slump into the seat, close an didn’t exist, then I wouldn’t be sitting in a rental car at the edge of Sleeping Bear College’s tiny ca a premature midlife crisis at thirty

I just spent the day interviewing for a job at Sleeping Bear, a se I’d never even heard of until sixdemonstration went even better, and I’m pretty sure I never let my cuffs slide up to show my tattoos I could tell they likedto help them build the department As they talked about independent studies and dual ued all the bear puns I could Of course, what they’d think if they found out that I associate bears’ hairy chests and lu beer instead of the college, the nearby dunes, and the animal they are named for, I can’t say

I’ve been working et where I am today, and all I can think is that I’lish professor I’m just some queer little punk from Philadelphia who the smart kids slummed it with Just ask my ex Just ask my father Askhere?

Sleeping Bear is the only college where I got an interview and it is in thenowhere—near some place called Traverse City (which is definitely not a city, based on anything I’ve ever seen) I had to drive for nearly four hours after I flew to Detroit to get here I could have gotten closer with a connecting flight in a tiny plane, but I’ll be da to crash into one of the Great Lakes No, overland travel was good enough for ht for the visit put me even deeper in the hole than I was before At least I saved a hundred bucks getting the red-eye froht

I shudder when I think whatI can turn the heat off in rees Not like there’s anyone there except hborhood, claio places near caht dead in my apartment, which he referred to as “the crack house” Asshole And I only see my brothers and my dad at their auto shop Still, I love Philly; I’ve lived there all —especially to theme out

Now, all I want is to go back to my shitty little motel rooh and start the rental car I can’t afford

I have to adh, the road from the school to my motel is beautiful All the hotels near campus are cute (read: expensive) bed and breakfast joints, so I booked in at the Motel 6 outside of town It’s down a two-lane road that seems to follow the tree line To my left are fields and the occasional dirt road turnoff with signs I can’t read in the near-dark God, I’ I haven’t eaten since an ill-advised Dunkin’ Donuts egg sandwich at the airport

It’s really cold so far north, but I crack theto breathe the sweet smell of fresh air and trees anyway It’s actually really peaceful out here Quiet It isn’t so I’ht quiet, sure But in the city there’s always noise This is a quiet that feels like water and trees and, well, nature, I guess, like the time my parents took us to the Jersey Shore ere kids and I hid under the boardwalk away fro sound of the ocean and the creak of docks

And peace? Well, never peace If it wasn’t one ofshit with ay Of course, later my lack of peace caether, was apparently sleeping with every gay man at the University of Pennsylvania

My hands tighten on the wheel as I picture Richard, his handsohty condescension as he leveledsmile “Come on, Dan,” he said, like we had discussed this before, “who believes in eois” And, “It’s not like we’re exclusive” That, after we’d been together for two years—or so I’d thought—and I’d taken hi