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In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must be present

—Francis Bacon

SAM

There’s a universal truth One that I never questioned One that, when planning out the rest of my life, I felt confident was solid This truth was my rock, my constant And all the other bullshit didn’t matter

Tyler Marks loved me

He would always be there By my side The one beautiful certainty in my bleak existence

My forever

But then a cruel and bitter reality stole everything

Only, I refused to accept it When you’re so sure of so, when you trust in it, believe in it with your whole being, nothing can change it Not even death

And this alternate reality? The one where I sleep until three in the afternoon, don’t shower for days, forget to eatgarnering strange, pitying looks fro to myself? It’s just a temporary limbo I’ve stumbled into

Everything is hazy and faded gray around the edges like a dreahtmare One that I ake up fro ain

It has to

With a half-hearted sigh, I sink farther into the too-soft chair, trying to becoht in my peripheral

“Sa her medication,” Dr Harternails visible as she laces her fingers together on top of her lap She tucks in her chin, her dark eyes looking up to pinher, you’re enabling her Sam needs to be on her meds”

My mother swats a stray hair from her vision and then crosses her ar her,” she says, and glances at me quickly “She’s nineteenalmost twenty I can’t force-feed her pills as if she’s a child Don’t you think I want her to take them? But it’s her choice”

Sure My choice As if I’d choose any of this As if I’d choose to be sitting here right now, being talked about like I’m not even in the room Technically, I am an adult and didn’t have to consent to “treatment” And I really shouldn’t have allowedher come to this session But no one really has control over any of their choices in life They just find so from options after the fact

Like the options I have now: take antipsychotic pills to treat a condition I don’t have, or continue to argue withmyself deeper into this limbo wasteland

I couldn’t bear the worried looks any when I walked into a roo for pretend business s because he can’t deal

After my mother made the initial appointment to talk to a psychiatrist (behindit a shot” For theet this right) major depression with psychotic features That’s a mouthful

I s three-day old grease and tangles I probably should’ve showered and actually dressed today—then maybe Dr Hartman wouldn’t be as concerned

Nope That’s not true I doubtand talking to my dead boyfriend is why I’m here I should’ve never let my parents know I should have kept it to myself

But when you’re fearful of even leaving the house, stuck inside watching reruns of Ghost Whisperer, it’s hard to keep so a bit crazy And maybe I wanted someone to tell h Now, I’m trapped in this situation with no way out

I need an out