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Connor seee in her ive you a call sometime about that coffee’ He put his helloved hand and roared off
Tess watched hio, and it occurred to her with a jolt that she’d had her first ever orgasht about it, there had been a few other firsts in that bed too Slosh, slosh, went the bed Sex, especially for a good Catholic girl like Tess, had been so raw and dirty and new back then
As she walked into the brightly lit service station to pay for the petrol, she glanced up and caught sight of herself in a security hteen
‘You’ve read it then,’ said John-Paul
Cecilia looked at hied man who had once been very handsome and still was, to her at least John-Paul had one of those honest, trustworthy faces You’d buy a used car from John-Paul That fa jaws He had a good head of hair, grey and thick He was still vain about his hair He liked to blow-dry it His brothers gave hi his blue and white striped boxer shorts and a red T-shirt His face was pale and sweaty, as if he had food poisoning
She hadn’t heard him come down from the attic, or walk down the hallway She didn’t kno long he’d been standing there, while she sat, staring unseeingly at her hands, which she saere clasped angelically in her lap, like a little girl in church
‘I’ve read it,’ she said
She pulled the sheet of paper over to her and read it again, slowly, as if this ti in front of her, it would surely say so different
It ritten in blue ballpoint pen on a lined piece of paper It felt ridged, like braille Heto engrave each word into the paper There were no paragraphs or spaces The words were cra Cecilia,
If you’re reading this, then I’ve died, which sounds so uess everyone dies You’re in the hospital right noith our baby girl, Isabel She was born early thisShe’s so beautiful and tiny and helpless I’ve never felt anything like what I felt when I held her for the first ti will happen to her And that’s why I have to write this down Just in case so does happen to me, at least I have done this At least I could have tried tosense I probably will tear this letter up Cecilia, I have to tell you that when I was seventeen I killed Janie Crowley If her parents are still alive, will you please tell them that I’m sorry and that it was an accident It wasn’t planned I loststupid I can’t believe it was hts, or drunk, but I wasn’t I was perfectly sober I just snapped I had a brain snap, like those idiot rugby players say It sounds like I’ toand I can’t explain it I knohat you’re thinking, Cecilia, because everything is black and white for you You’re thinking, why didn’t he confess? But you knohy I couldn’t go to jail, Cecilia You know I couldn’t be locked up I know I’hteen but I didn’t have the balls to go through with it Please tell Ed and Rachel Crowley that I never went a day without thinking of their daughter Tell the just seconds before She was happy right up until the end Maybe that just sounds awful It does sound awful Don’t tell them that It was an accident, Cecilia Janie told hed at me That’s all she did I lost my mind Please tell the Crowleys that I’m so sorry, I couldn’t be sorrier Please tell Ed Crowley that now I’uilt has been like a tu away at me, and now it’s worse than ever I’m so sorry to leave you with this, Cecilia, but I know you’re strong enough to handle it I love you and our baby so ivenand I got everything
I’ht she’d experienced anger before, plenty of tier felt The white-hot burning purity of it It was a frantic, crazy, wonderful feeling She felt like she could fly She could fly across the room, like a demon, and claw bloody scratch marks down John-Paul’s face
‘Is it true?’ she said She was disappointed by the sound of her voice It eak It didn’t sound like it caer
‘Is it true?’ she said again, stronger
She kneas true, but her desire for it not to be true was so overpowering, she had to ask She wanted to beg for it to be made untrue
‘I’ about like a terrified horse
‘But you’d never,’ said Cecilia ‘You wouldn’t You couldn’t’
‘I can’t explain it’
‘You didn’t even know Janie Crowley’ She corrected herself ‘I didn’t even know you knew her You never even mentioned her’