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“I’m dyslexic Like, severely I can read, but really, really bad, and it takes h even the sirader can read better than me, okay? If I sit in an absolutely silent room with no distractions and focus really hard for an hour or two, I ht be able to puzzle out one full article in a newspaper, which is written at a fifth-grade level or some shit”
So much clicks into place now “That’s part of why you’re here, in New York, isn’t it? Part of the issue with your parents”
He bobs his head twice, a short, sharp jerk of acknowledgement “Yeah It’s been a probleured out than it is noadays, you got all sorts of resources for ‘learning disabled’ kids like ot IEDs and learning labs and tutors and all sorts of nifty shit When I was a kid, in a rural district like where we grew up, I didn’t have none of that They just thought I was stupid So did my parents They hadon people’s radar, or whatever, so they didn’t knohat to look for and I didn’t kno to explain what my deal was”
“All I really know about dyslexia is that it’s got so” I rub ranite shoulder
He nods, and finally turns to me I s hard and decide to push past the barrier between us I close in against him, push my body flush with his, slide my hands up underneath his arms and clutch his back I tiltmy chin on his chest His scent and his heat and his hardness intoxicate h me
“Yeah, basically, but it’swritten down makes any sense toI can do a shitload of fairly advanced rammar, but it all has to be orally communicated to me Tell me a word, what it ot it, no fking probles just jue into nonsense I look at this paper here,” he taps the page in er, “and I see the letters I know the alphabet, I can technically read, I can do ‘run spot run’ But when I look at the paper, I swear it’s all bullshit, just letters that make no sense I have to focus on each letter at a tiure it out And then I have to go back and put the sentence all together and the paragraph and the page, and that usuallylaborious as all hell”
“All the songs you write, the lyrics—”
“All in here” He taps his head “I co, in my head”
I’m stunned “You don’t have any of it written down anywhere?”
He laughs, a harsh cough “No, baby Not being able to read is bad enough I can’t write for shit either It’s just as hard Harder, actually, because I start out writing what’s in ibberish”
“So you just have it all reat memory, and musically, I have one of those perfect ears I hear a piece of music, I can play it The notes, the chords, it all just makes sense to me as soon as I hear it Mechanical stuff is the saet it, instinctively I mean, I had to learn how to do it, just like I had to learn how to play the guitar and use ht, but it comes naturally to me”
“And your parents didn’t understand any of this?” I ask
He sighs, and it’s laced with a growl “God, I hate talking about this shit” He absently brushes my hair back “No, they really didn’t I was their first kid They et that Doesn’t make how it all happened less shitty”
“What happened?”
He looks down intohe sees there “Like I said, they couldn’t really understand whyI could talk fine, I could interact socially and tie my shoes and identify colors and patterns and all that, but when the lessons in Kindergarten started requiring rasp it It frustrated everyone My dad was on the rise, back then, and he had big aspirations Big plans for me, his firstborn son I’d be his successor, a doctor or a lawyer or soreat like that He’d decided that’s what etting harder and harder, becausewas just…nil I never progressed past the first grade, really I had to work three tiet my ho by, all the way through school Dad just thought I was lazy He’d tellstop me He pushed and pushed and pushed, and never really sa hard I orking just to get by I barely passed middle school, and Ihoht Because everything is centered around writing the answers, reading the textbooks Like I said, I can do it, it’s just…so hard as to be nearly i kid I wanted to play football and play without, all that noroddaes of history or The Giver”
I restfor him “God, Colton”
“Yeah, it sucked And Dad just didn’t understand He’s not a bad person He’s great, he really is When it wasn’t all about school, he was great with ot older By high school, I was just angry All the time I hated school, I hated the teachers and the principal andIt didn’t help that by the tiolden boy, perfectly behaved, athletic, all the friends and char and shit And I had to study for six hours a day just to get C’s and D’s And the fking worst part is that I knew I understood the basic concepts I kneasn’t stupid I could listen and understand what the lecture was about I could listen to the lecture and probably recite the da back to the teacher verbatim If I’d been able to take tests orally, I probably would have been a straight A student But that just wasn’t an option back then” He traces the line of ertip, down behind my ear, down my neck, and across ot in a lot of trouble at school because I was just so fking angry, so frustrated And kids made fun of me, of course, because I was always in trouble and barely passing, so I got in a lot of fights”