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In reality, deep down, I was scared I ht have psyched myself out a bit with all the shows and movies I’d watched with Becca and Jill that had sex in them I was afraid the reality wouldn’t live up to ically, that TV and ree of accuracy to reality Even the way characters kissed on screen wasn’t like kissing in real life I couldn’t explain the difference, even to h I wasn’t sure he’d understand, and I kneould sound silly It sounded silly even to myself But I just couldn’t shake the fears I knew the facts, sure I knew a girl’s first time wasn’t always that awesome, and that it hurt I had plenty of friends at school who’d already had sex and had gotten the details fro her up with Jason turned out to be exactly what I’d hoped They’d been going steady ever since, and Becca had co and fighting tears

I sat with her on my bed and clicked the volume up on my TV so the sounds of Teen Mo with the drawstrings ofBecca would tell ht words Becca was like that: she never spoke until she’d thought through what she was going to say She’d struggled with stuttering as a child, and as a result of the speech therapy, she’d learned to plan out every word, every sentence before she spoke It had a way ofa script, sometih, because I’d known her since before she went through ST I’d learned to listen past the stuttering to the words she meant to say, and learned not to rush her Even after ST, you couldn’t rush Becca She’d say what she meant to say when she was ready, and not before

“I s-slept with Jason,” she said And yeah, Becca still stutters occasionally in mo across ht black curls obscuring part of her face I could see her blushing, which was tricky since she was half-Italian and half-Lebanese, and thus had dark, dusky skin and didn’t often blush

“You what? For real? When? Where? What was it like?”

Becca twisted a curl around her finger and tugged on the springy lock of hair, a sign she was agitated “It was everything we’d ever heard, Nell A, aard, intense, and kind of painful at first I , and after it’s—it’s pretty incredible Jason was very careful and very gentle It was his first tih Not like in True Blood, that’s for sure It was good though”

“Did you bleed?” I asked

She nodded “Yeah, a little We told our parents ere going to Great Lakes Crossing to shop, but we actually went to a hotel It wasn’t like I gushed or anything” She grinned at me “The second time was even better, and less aard”

I frowned “What’s aard about it?”

“Remember when you kissed for the first time? I mean really kissed Like, made out Remember hoas co soure out how to do it right? Where your hands went, and all that? Well, it’s kind of like that” She looked out theat the oak tree branches swaying in the winter wind, and I could tell her mind was back in hotel roo Jenelle argue with her mom on the TV “Do you feel different?” I asked, eventually

She nodded “Yes A lot Like, it’s hard to explain how you see everything differently Physically I don’t feel much different A little sore down there, but that’s it Inside h I don’t know This part is the hardest to explain I guess it’s like I finally understand what the big deal is”

“Do you feel like you were ready?”

She didn’t answer right away “I guess I don’t know I mean, I wanted to I really did We talked about it for weeks, planned out when and where We went to dinner first and it was romantic But I was scared Jason was too, but I think not as much as I was”

I met her eyes and saw the hesitation “Did he pressure you, Becca?”