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That first week, I also couldn’t help running ave ined her lips there and wished it would stay on ht about Rachel’s sh oddamn it To be brave and present in o after what I wanted and not let sooals someone like Andrew had Maybe she wouldn’t think I’d measure up Hell, even I wasn’t sure if I measured up, but fuck, I needed to at least try

If I professed s for Rachel and the iven ither, in an effort to send her daily reh I was a whole world away

Me: Got to sit in with a new band today

Rachel: On bass?

Me: Yeah

Rachel: Very cool

Me: Sothose upstanding college boys keeping you on your toes?

Rachel: Ha ha Bet there are enough Dutch woman to keep you busy over there

Me: The only woman I’ve been busy with recently has been you

Holy shit, I had actually confessed so inside ers shook on the keyboard

It seemed to take her forever to respond Had I professed too ain

Rachel: Yeah? Been working too h play ti like that

As soon as I sent that dismissive response I wanted to take it back

So I followed it up with one ht before I left was intense, Rachel And despite what you otta run Talk ue Okay and came way late, likeday we resu nor, I was sitting in my parent’s office at the casino I’d been home a couple of days and had sworn Dakota to secrecy But I knew that wouldn’t last long She’d already informed Shane, which I’d been cool about He was, I still wasn’t ready to hear the nitty-gritty Just like I was sure Dakota wouldn’t want to hear how I couldn’t get Rachel’s beautiful body, soft voice, and warm lips out ofand asking if I could stay at her place for a while longer, until I got my life in order I didn’t tell her about Rachel, not yet I wanted to reserve that information for Rachel’s ears alone

If she wanted ether

I was afraid she was either already in deep with Andrew or still wanted to reiven the personal nature of our recent texts, I was hopingto take it to the next level To give us a fair chance

But I needed to be looking her in the eye when I said everything I wanted to say

I needed to see deep inside her heart--inside her soul Even if fear, uncertainty, or guilt was hiding beneath those emerald irises

If I had to--no matter how hard it would be--I’d walk away

As I , Stuart spotted me near the lobby Eyebrows raised, he asked, "You okay, son?"

"Yep Just back in towntohis famous quote back at hiantic sood clunks on my back "Make Chief Red Hawk proud And your father"

So that felt a lot like pride bubbled inside my chest as I stepped inside my father’s office Only to have it be deflated instantly

"Have a seat, son" My father’s voice was biting, stern Disappointment was mapped across his face Myher brow

He waited until I was seated before he said, "What happened in Aan, butto go easy on him"

My stomach was all twisted up in knots I had this desperate need forsuch a fuckup To show them that I had a real plan, one that I was excited about But it would take soiving the speech of my life "I know I’ve really screwed up the past few years Please know that you’re really great parents"

My mother made the motion to move closer to me, but my father cut his eyes at her and she stayed put He was fu ive him an earful later

"It wasn’t so much that I chose to mess up," I said "It was "

My father’s head sloped into his hands I knew that would disappoint him most of all The fact that I’d been handed opportunities and had squandered them That’s not who he was or how he’d raised --you needed to be shown By falling down on your own da eured out what I’m passionate about Whatto ht need your help"

The color had drained frofor more help Fuck

"Only on the front end, as a loan," I said "I’ll pay back every cent"

My father straightened up That got his attention I’d never had an actual proposal before

"Go on," he said, giving lance She see in Amsterdam," I said "But the experience did helpI’d like to do as a career"

"If this is about going on tour" an, but this tienoot" That was the Dutch word for husband But when my mother used it withlike my man, and he instantly softened

"I" I took a deep breath "I want to start aze flicked quickly to htened on reat sound man and, God, II love it" The words rushed fro a band’s ic"

My parents silently stared at me

"I know you want me to finish schooland I can do that at the Music Conservatory here in town," I said, to show them I’d donemy studio I’ll need to rent a space and all the equipment Johan even offered to spread the ith his Ae of rolling his eyes He actually seemed impressed "Where?"

"I scouted out a space in the Commons" It was the same artsy part of tohere Pure was located "I made an appointainst his lips, as if thinking it through

"I can still help around here if you need me," I said "You knoith your taste in music"

My father cracked a s your son around," my mother said