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"Now you get why I need a list just to have a life?" I finish for hi"

"No, that’s not it at all And you’re not boring Stop saying that" He places his fork down on the table forcefully enough toto say that now I get why you’restarving"

I squint at hi?"

"Yeah For adventure For connection I saw your face when you were sitting up on the Rusk statue It was such a little thing, but your expression was like you were on top of ayour eyes for the very first tiet it now I understand That list? I don’t think you’re doing it to have a life I think you’re doing it as a last resort, like those shock paddles they use at hospitals I think you’re trying to wake yourself up Before it’s too late"

It’s as if he’s just reached into my chest and handed my heart to me, and all I can think istouché I tore him doe first met, pinpointed his flaws, so I suppose turnabout is fair play

"You’re giving htI have er to make up for what I’ve lost But that list is just a list It’s a challenge to myself to explore a different side of life Not a cry for help"

"You’re a sirl, Nell You don’t think it’s possible that you latched on to that list as a lifeline because a part of you needed it? Otherwise, if it was just about having a little fun before you graduated, why step so far outside of your co out with Dylan and stupid-nas you already know you enjoy There’s a ht over it into the deep end No one does that unless they’re already drowning in some other way"

I think a tiny piece of me falls in love with him then Because despite how different we are, despite the fact that he’s knownweeks), he’sto o My life has always been about forward motion From the first time I walked into a cafeteria alone and realized I didn’t have anywhere to sit In elementary school, ere seated in alphabetical order, according to our last names It didn’t even occur to me that middle school would be different until I stood there, tray in hand, and realized that there was no one I wanted to sit with, and no one anted to sit with me So lunch became a time to focus To study Then it was that way after school, too, while I waited for the bus Then it was Saturday nights As long as I stayed busy, I didn’t have to acknowledge that I had no other options It ork and study ornothing That was all I had

I only function whentoward it And yet, for the past feeeks, I keep getting sidetracked Andon the brakes I’d thought as long as nments and commitments and projects, it meant that I was full That there were no holes in oals are just teh a sieve The ain

"I like myhe’s said, but because of the way I can feelback to that place I try to avoid "I like the idea of being on the edge of the future There are so many possibilities in biomech One of the summer internships I applied for involves biomedical research with NASA that could completely revolutionize space travel NASA I think that’s so cool, and it sounds right up et started"

"And the rest of the time?"