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My eyes are stinging hard I blink fast
For so ht I understood what it in to coht have it worse than I do
Itfelt sorry for ht she was justsick I thought she’d developed so her i that made her skin sensitive and painful I assumed that, with the proper treat," he says, "until I finally realized that years had gone by and nothing had changed The constant agony began to destroy her ave up on life She let the pain take over She refused to get out of bed or to eat regularly; she stopped caring about basic hygiene Andher
"He keeps her locked in that house with no one but a nurse to keep her company She’s now addicted to morphine and has completely lost her nize s," he says, speaking quietly now, "she’s tried to kill otten I’m still in the room "My childhood was almost bearable someti for her, nizable"
He looks up, laughing
"I always thought I could fix it," he says "I thought if I could only find the root of it--I thought I could do sos a hand across his face "I don’t know," he whispers Turns away "But I never had any intention of using you against your will The idea has never appealed to me I only had to maintain the pretense My father, you see, does not approve of e, twisted sort of shs
"He never wanted to help her She is a burden he is disgusted by He thinks that by keeping her alive he’s doing her a great kindness for which I should be grateful He thinks this should be enough for me, to be able to watch my mother turn into a feral creature so utterly consuony she’s coh his hair, grips the back of his neck
"But it wasn’t," he says quietly "It wasn’t enough I beca her back to life And I wanted to feel it," he says todirectly into my eyes "I wanted to knohat it would be like to endure a pain like that I wanted to knohat she must experience every day
"I was never afraid of your touch," he says "In fact, I welcomed it I was so sure you would eventually strike out at ainstforward to thatI’d read in your files toldyou to be an animal, someone ould try to kill me and my men at every opportunity--someone who needed to be closely watched But you disappointedtoo huht back"
His eyes are unfocused, reainst s that mattered You acted like an insolent child," he says "You didn’t like your clothes You wouldn’t eat your fancy food" He laughs out loud and rolls his eyes and I’ve suddenly forgottenat him
"You were so hurt," he says, "that I’d asked you to wear a dress" He looks atwith aainst an uncontrollable monster who could kill," he says, "kill a h "And you threw tantru his head at the ceiling, "you were ridiculous You were completely ridiculous and it was the most entertainment I’d ever had I can’t tell you howyouyou htly I’hs atto spend tis for your supposed future with The Reestablishment You were harrinning widely now "God, you would yell at"But you never laid a hand on me Not once, not even to save your own life"
His smile fades
"It worried me It scared me to think you were so ready to sacrifice yourself before using your abilities to defend yourself" A breath "So I changed tactics I tried to bully you into touchingthat day in the blue room too well When he tauntedhis to say to hurt h to want to hurt him back
I nearly did
He cocks his head Exhales a deep, defeated breath "But that didn’t work either And I quickly began to lose sight of otten why I’d brought you on base to begin with I was frustrated that you wouldn’t give in, that you refused to lash out even when I knew you wanted to But every tiive up, you would have thesehis head "You had these incredible lith It was incredible" He stops Leans back against the wall "But then you’d always retreat Like you were ashas in yourself
"So I changed tactics again I tried so that I kneith certainty--would push you past your breaking point And II hoped it would be" He smiles "You looked truly alive for the very first time"