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He stared at me, his lips thin and white

"I ca on the side of her bed with all these little colored pills lined up on her bedside table She was holding this big glass of water Her hand was shaking so bad it splashed everywhere, her nightie was all wet I didn’t do anything, not at first" That oneby the bedroohter, to stand by and let it happen So like that had to stain you

"I"The thought of not having to deal with her anyone into the foster-care systeotten separated I couldn’t risk that She was better off at hoaze was stark, his face pale

"So I stayed home to watch her She tried to kill herself a couplewas too much effort Some days, I would just wish I’d been five ed to finish it Then I’d feel guilty for even thinking that way"

He didn’t even blink

"I hate her so et that depression happens and it’s a serious, terrible illness, but she didn’t even try to find help I would et brochures and information and she just … you know, she had kids, she didn’t have the fking luxury of just disappearing up her own ass" Tears slid down h he did send et us entirely I asked hi and he said he just couldn’t do it anyetic about it Like he’d ticked the wrong box on a for out Fa assle As if saying sorry changes anything when you’re walking out the door

"You don’t appreciate howall the cooking and cleaning until it’s all down to you My boyfriend stuck with me for a couple of o out Saturday nights to gao out and have fun, not stay in to look after a manic-depressive and a thirteen-year-old kid Who could bla to line up the i how et "Then Lizzy rebelled and that justso much worse She hated the whole world, and who could blame her? At least when she behaved like a selfish, immature kid there was an actual reason behind it, ith her being one She got busted stealing fro charges The scare seeot back into her schoolwork One of us had to e because I tried, but there was no way I was keeping up with school onI blinked furiously and scrubbed away the tears "You know, I actually wanted to cheer you up or so ave him a smile Doubtless it looked as shitty as it felt

"Moiving her a couple of months at best …"

It felt like

"Oh, Mal"

He pushed back his hair, lacing his fingers behind his head "She’s so fking happy you’re around Kept going on about you at dinner, hoonderful you were You’re her drea me to settle down for a while now"

I nodded, trying for a better sreat"

"Yeah"

"Fuck, Anne That’s not the only reason why, though … I ripped the back of his neck,her happy before she’d–" He paused, his lips twisting, unable to say the word "You know there’s ht? We’re not pretend anymore You know that, don’t you?"

"I know that" This time I totally aced the smile "It’s okay"

So our start had been dubious It didn’t change where ere now

"Come have a shoith me?" He held out his hand

"I’d love to"

He gave allant attempt at a smile

The bathroorand piano out in the living room, should the mood strike Apparently his parents were up in the presidential suite so we’d had to make do with second best Second best was pretty fine

He stripped off his boxer briefs I got the water running at the right te the room slowly fill up with stea down e Dive T-shirt It was the only thing he’d okayed ht in his drunken wisdom We were our own small, perfect world in the warmth of the shower cubicle Mal stepped under the water and it soaked his hair, ran down over his beautiful body I slidmy head on his chest The arht

We could deal with things alone Of course we could But it was sois thehis chin on the top of ht Then I remember she’s sick, and … it’s just … I don’t even kno to describe it"

I held hi on for dear life

"She’s always been there Used to drive us to shows, help us set up She’s always been our biggest fan When ent platinue of sixty, the woet ainst me as he breathed deep, let it out slow

I stroked his back, the length of his spine, up and down, sers over the ridges of his rib cage We stood beneath the hot water and I soothed him as much as I could

Let him knoas loved

I picked up the bar of soap, running it over hi him like a child First his top half, from the lines of his shoulder blades to thehis hair was tricky due to the differences in height