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Della

"Hush, little baby, don't say a word, Mo out shrill and off-key as I stood outside her bedroo chair in her roohtly in a blanket She sang to the baby doll when she was sad

"Yes, he's a good boy to sleep for Momma He sleeps like he's supposed to" She cooed at the doll and touched its plastic face tenderly, as if it were real For a long tiht the baby doll was real But it never otten in its crib in her room for days at a time Eventually I realized it was just a baby doll

Then I'dit, too Moone three days without food, locked in onna go buy you so theI wasn't sure if she didn't know the real words or if she just liked singing about what she was doing

Then she threw the baby doll across the rooain as she stomped her feet I ran back to my room as fast as I could and prayed she wouldn't come after me

"Della?" Woods's voice broke into my dream and my eyes snapped open I looked up into his concerned face

"You okay? You were breathing hard"

That was all? I smiled I was okay I could live with the memories If the terror didn't coainst his side "It was just a ers up and down my arm "Do you want to talk about theether"

I started to say no and stopped I had been telling people no for years because it sent me into the darkness when I let myself think about it But I was better now What if I did tell him my dreamswhat if it could actually help?

"Okay," I said, not looking up at him I kept my eyes on his chest I wasn't scared of theto open myself up to him that completely It would make me feel more vulnerable than I had ever felt He would know my horrors No one really knew thehtened his hold on me and I focused on the war hi the baby doll She always rocked the baby doll when she was in one of her dark ti to it and made up words to lullabies I knew, even at five years old, that her singing to a plastic doll rong So So, I would watch her She never rockedher rock the doll confused me Why would she rock a plastic baby doll? The baby was a he She called it a him She never called it by a name Just 'sweet baby' and 'baby boy' That eird, too, because the boy they'd adopted before me was never a baby when they had hi up at Woods to see what he was thinking But I had more to tell and I didn't want to watch his eyes and see his reaction

"If she ever saatching her rock the baby she would yell at me and often hitOr to go fixet old and stinky before she'd finally give in and throw it away The smell of rotten food permeated our house I hated the stench" I lay still in Woods's ar I kneould bother hi about what I'd lived through with someone who loved me, not just a psychiatrist, helped

"When she was rocking the baby doll she would eventually realize it was plastic I never knehat it was she saw but she would start screa demon child and she would throw it across the room like it was on fire Then she would claw at herself and pull her hair She would tell the doll she was sorry that she had let hio to the store She was sorry that she hadn't kept hiain I didn't usually watch that part except for once It terrifiedI would hurry back toabout tonight One of those , shaky breath "Shit," he whispered, then pressed his face to the top ofelse He just held me That hat I needed the ht it would, openingsomeone as inside, what had been my life, would expose me in a way that would make me unlovable But I didn't feel that way in Woods's arhtly to him and kissed my head No other words were needed

My eyes closed and I relaxed in his arms I had always felt safe with Woods That wasn't new But nownow I felt like I'd found ht could holdto Braden for years, hoping that having her would remind me I was norh she loved me, she had never rounding I needed I thought no one would ever be able to give that to h I kne that it wasn't true With Woods's arainst my chest, I kneould hold me steady If I ever fell, I'd have him to catch me