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21

I screamed, and Richard&039;s entle press of lips Fear thrilled through ertips, as if terror were an electric current I shoved hier to co else, but it didn&039;t come In fact the fear blossomed into panic Panic that freezes your body, nu you&039;ve ever learned about how to make your body a weapon, and all that is left is a s voice inside your head that makes you a victim If you can&039;t think and can&039;t et you killed

Richard knelt in front of me, only as far away as entle in his face now He looked eager, anticipatory He was on one knee, the other leg turned so that he shielded hie was modest; the look on his face was not

He leaned in towardthe air in deep, so that his chest rose and fell with it His eyes closed as if he&039;d smelled the sweetest of flowers, his head thrown back, just a little When he opened his eyes, they weren&039;t brown, they were a those eyes in the tan of his face was breathtaking, then Da A fresh wave of panic poured through me, tore a screae of bodies, hands, being held down, cloth ripping, the weight of a body pinning us to the table and

A hand wrapped around my wrist and jerked h my skin as he tried to hold on Richard tore me away from Damian&039;s hands, his horror, his memories, and his fear

The moment Damian couldn&039;t touch ain The fear was still there, pulsing through me, but it was di in the ocean and drowning in a fish pond Better, less frightening, but just as dead

I looked back at Damian, and he lay on the floor, his hand outstretched, and even from a distance, I reached back for him I could feel his need

Richard pulled on my arm, sharp, sudden It threwainst his body, my arm behind my back with his hand still on my wrist I should have beensuddenly pressed against his naked body that overwhelainst a man&039;s body, even a lovely body, that unnerved me, it was as if my body reainst this flesh, these arms, and with the skin memory it was as if the emotional scars tore open and spilled , to cut someone out of your heart, but it&039;s not always your heart that betrays you

But in a the emotional debris I felt Moroven pull back We hadn&039;t needed the ardeur to confuse her, all we&039;d needed was how Richard and I felt about each other Just as Moroven didn&039;t understand pure lust, she didn&039;t understand love, no htened her, or if she simply couldn&039;t understand it She wasn&039;t the only one

We were touching, and the triu just fine We&039;d both thron our shields to help Jean-Claude raise the ardeur and save us, but shields protect you fros What is love? What does it feel like in its rawest for want, as if the center of your body was carved out and hollow, and the only thing that can fill it is the person that you&039;re touching

I loved Richard I couldn&039;t hide how I felt, couldn&039;t deny it I was laid bare in his arms in every way For a moment, I felt hi else shame He was ashary that Moroven had fled He&039;d wanted to drink ht that caes I felt that to him my terror was almost the same as the terror of the deer he&039;d chased down and killed Fear, even a little fear, o, stepped away so ouldn&039;t be touching He clanged his shields tight into place and leftand couldn&039;t understand why

Richard&039;s face got that angry look he used to hide what he was thinking He grabbed his pants and went for the door "You&039;re as horrified by it as I aone

I wanted to say he rong, but in a way he was right I wasn&039;t horrified by the fact that he liked a little fear with his sex, a little rough play,to do with theraet off on the fear, their huht come to the forefront and cripple them for the kill Orelse Maybe it was that Raina and Gabriel had been attracted by latent talent I don&039;t know, but I wasn&039;t horrified hat Richard had wanted The fact that he thought of taking me while Moroven&039;s fear rode me hadn&039;t bothered s that my wereleopards liked Just because I didn&039;t participate didn&039;t mean I was blind

No, that wasn&039;t the problem I dropped to my knees and stayed there I&039;d felt that he loved me, still, but I&039;d also felt that his hatred for everything he as stronger and ht he loathed his beast, but it was more than that He hated what he liked in the bedroom We&039;d been lovers for months off and on, and I&039;d never known that he was a closet sadist How tight he must have to hold his own leash for me not to have known

A hand touchedat me with those lavender eyes "Are you okay?"

My eyes felt hot, and ht God, I didn&039;t want to cry I shook my head, because I didn&039;t trust ould co, no hysterics I hadn&039;t realized until o that somewhere in the depths of my soul, I&039;d held out hope Hope that Richard and I would work out, soht I&039;d moved on--stupid I hadn&039;t ive myself completely to anyone, because I was still in love with Richard How fucking stupid was that?

He did love me, but he loved his shame more He hadn&039;t run because I could accept his beast He&039;d run because living with me, he couldn&039;t pretend He couldn&039;t pretend to be nor I wasn&039;t, and lately, I&039;d gotten even worse at it Could you pretend to be someone else and truly be happy? I don&039;t think so

Nathaniel put his arms around me, slowly, as if he were afraid I&039;d stop hiht then I needed to be held by soood and the bad, the nice and the scary Richard had been pressed naked against h

Micah appeared in the doorway "Dr Lillian is in the kitchen looking at Richard&039;s wound" He looked from Nathaniel to Damian, then to me "Richard looks shaken, what happened?"

I held outto say a word I buried htness spilled out of my eyes, and my lips I balled my hands into his shirt and cried

Nathaniel was atsoothing noises

"What happened?" Micah asked again

It was Damian who answered, and his voice let me know that he was close before his hand patted my shoulder "Richard hates himself more than he loves anyone else" It was only in that moment that I realized that Damian and Nathaniel had still been connected to ht was, He would hate knowing that they know his big dark secret My second thought was, Who the fuck cares?

I clung to Micah, with Nathaniel atrowled in his leopard voice, "What just happened? I thought you and Richard were going to fuck"

Micah saved ory, now before you say so even more stupid"

"I didn&039;t e of growl to it Enough that it sparked his beast awake inside hiainst a cat in the dark A cat that you&039;ve shared a bed with, until the feel of that fur, that small body is like your pillows, or your sheets, just a part of a safe night&039;s sleep Coe that there are claws in the dark in case things go wrong His beast flared mine, and it felt so warainst each other The feel of his neck against ainst each other, his arms around me, and I had one of those h, his arhtly on the shoulder "Don&039;t be sad, Anita, please don&039;t be sad" I turned h to see his face There were tears on his cheeks I opened one ar theainst the to the yourself be who and what you are, and letting the person you&039;re supposed to love be who and what he is, too Or maybe, what and who they are

22

When I finished having hysterics and everyone had rinsed enough blood off thehbors call the police, I got dressed Micah had pointed out that we&039;d probably all be going to bed, so why bother getting dressed, but I needed clothes Black everything fro Hi-Power, and hidden underknife It sat in a custo h it could be ithout, but not as comfortably Micah tried to point out that I probably didn&039;t need that o into my own kitchen I looked at him, and he stopped No one else coet dressed with threeyou? I wanted Micah, and it seemed shitty to kick Nathaniel out, and Daht happen if the vampire was separated from me by a room and a door He and I had had sex, and he&039;d seen me very naked, and even walked behind me into the bedroom, but I still made him turn and face the hile I dressed Maybe the wereani ely, more intimate to dress in front of someone than to be naked Or maybe my modesty had just had all the shocks it could handle for one day

Speaking of which, if I hadn&039;t thought it was cowardly and childish, I&039;d have hidden in the bedroom until Richard left, but it was cowardly, and it was childish Damn it Besides, Nathaniel pro before ten o&039;clock, but coffee before ten was a necessity

Da that made me feel better, he&039;d asked for a robe His requestNone of the vaood cause, but wouldn&039;t just walk around nude like the shapeshifters did Funny, I&039;d never thought about it before

Nathaniel had fetched Damian&039;s very own robe from the basement and had taken a side trip to put on a pair of jeans hi to ask

Daht out of Victorian England, and maybe it was It was a dark, rich blue velvet, and heavy, almost more like a coat than a robe There orn places at the elbows, and the cuffs and he to fray But the whole robe screamed expensive Damian wrapped it around himself like it was his favorite teddy bear Once he belted it in place it covered hi out

"That&039;s not a robe, is it?" I asked

He shook his head, as he pulled his hair free of the collar, so it spilled like a surprised red splash against all that blue "It&039;s a dressing gown," he said

I nodded as if I understood exactly what that meant, then I offered hih that was there, but because of the lost look in his eyes and the way his hands kept rubbing the thinning velvet, as if touching it ave me the first smile I&039;d seen since she-who-made-him had reared her vicious head The ses, but it firmed up when he touched my hand

I&039;d been afraid that when I touched hie That there&039;d be lust, or love, or so else I couldn&039;t deal with, but that wasn&039;t what cah was a sense of safety Relief that I&039;d reached out to touch hiry

"I&039;m not mad," I said

His eyes widened just a little "You knohat I&039;?"

"Don&039;t you knohat I&039;?"

"No"

"Ask hi," Nathaniel said

"I just asked that"

"No, you didn&039;t"

I thought about it for a second He was right "Okay, what a," Da"

I thought about that, too, and just nodded He was right I felt numb, at most relieved that Damian&039;s need for safety overrode other co I felt like one of those shells that washed up on the sand, so pretty, so clean, so white and pink, and so empty That place inside me where Richard had been meant to fit, to fill, was empty, but not empty like a wound E Waiting for so and slip inside and make that emptiness into their protection, their shield, their ar it that clearly, I still felt al I realized it was close to that static emptiness where I hen I had to kill, but it wasn&039;t staticky It was a peaceful e out to a horizon of just water and sky Peace, quiet, but not e for what?

Damian squeezed my hand I smiled at him but knew it didn&039;t reach my eyes I smiled because he s It was a little like being in shock Shock is nature&039;s insulation, the thing that shuts you down so you can heal, or so afraid

Well, I wasn&039;t going to die You didn&039;t die of a broken heart, it just felt like you were going to I knew fro as if you weren&039;t bleeding inside, you didn&039;t die, and eventually you stopped wanting to

Micah came to stand in front of ence out of kitty-cat eyes Now, they were just Micah&039;s eyes He touched my face, and his hand was so warainst it, but I didn&039;t I don&039;t knohy, but I didn&039;t I just stood there with Micah touchingto my hand I could feel that my face was as eo in there," Micah said

"Yes," I said, "I do"

He put his other hand up, so that he framed my face between his warm, warm hands "No, Anita, you don&039;t have to"

Daers across my knuckles the way he did when he orried that I would be angry with sory, or ether Damian could help me be calmer, help me control my temper, and be less ruthless, or less quick to kill, but your servant can only give you what they have to share Daht fear, or loneliness, or sorrow, because he carried too much of it inside himself Today, the only real comfort he could offer was the touch of a friendly hand But there are worse things to offer

I closed my eyes, not to hide from Micah&039;s serious face, but to bask in the warmth of his hands I had to close my eyes so I could feel his hands and not be distracted by the color of his eyes I let myself do what I&039;d wanted to do since he touched ainst first one of his hands, then the other His hands ainst ainst him cat-like

He kissedbetween his hands His lips were soft and full, and he pressed theentle I opened my eyes to his face so close I couldn&039;t focus on his eyes

He drew back enough so we could see each other, but kept my face between his hands "I would spare you this, if you&039;d let me"

I put my hands over both of his, so that we held each other "You o hide out in the bedroom?"

Someone had propped the front door back into place The door hung crooked in the fraes, but it wasn&039;t bad Daht that crawled across the floor I&039;d patted his hand, but didn&039;t knohat else to do Micah informed us that he&039;d shut the drapes in the kitchen, so it was as dim as he could make it I&039;d smiled at him for that He always seeed et

Da out in a darker part of the house Unfortunately, almost as much as I didn&039;t want to see Richard, I didn&039;t want to be alone with Damian Men can be sort of funny after you&039;ve had sex with theet eain None of that sounded like soht that ainst my skin, but that didn&039;t mean that once ere alone he&039;d be able to stop hito risk it

"If you have to look at it that way, yes"

"It&039;s not that I have to look at it that way, Micah, it&039;s the way it is It would be hiding out"

"She won&039;t hide," Nathaniel said, voice soft and full of sorrow that I couldn&039;t understand, and just the sound in his voiceWhatever he was feeling didn&039;t sound fun in the least

"Isn&039;t discretion ever the better part of valor with you?" Micah asked, and there was a look in his eyes that was close to pain But strangely, of all the men in my life, he was one of the fehose mind and emotions I couldn&039;t read I could read his face, his eyes, his body, but his mind and internal emotions were his own

"No," I said, "never Well, alh so that he had to let o, or hold on when he knew I didn&039;t want him to

He let his hands fall away froer trickled into his eyes "I don&039;t like seeing you hurt"

"I don&039;t like seeing me hurt either," I said

That aluess that&039;s a good sign"

"Trying, only trying? I thought it was funny"

"No," Nathaniel said, "no, it wasn&039;t" He squeezed et the coffee started"

"You&039;re not going to wait for us?" I asked

He turned back just short of the kitchen doorway He was set in here, eventually, because you couldn&039;t stand yourself if you chickened out But, by the time you talk yourself into it, I could already have coffee made"

I frowned at hier caain, and I didn&039;t fight it

"Don&039;t get rind fresh coffee beans for you and use the new French press Jean-Claude got you"

I frowned harder

"I kno much you hate to admit that you like the French press, but you do like it"

"It doesn&039;t h coffee at one time," I said Even to me it sounded churlish

"I&039;ll tell Jean-Claude that you would like a really, really big French press" He said it completely deadpan, and only the faintest of soing to add soh the door, before I could close h

23

Nathaniel&039;s atte; it h I have to adh the door I couldn&039;t let one ex-fianc¨¦ stand between me and my coffee, could I? Not and keep my self-respect, so in ent

Richard was sitting at the kitchen table on the side nearest the door Dr Lillian was standing over hiht shoulder and arh the door, but most of her attention stayed on her patient The first tiray and furry, but now she was a woray and white as her fur hen she was in rat for neat about Dr Lillian, as if her clothes never got too dirty and she always had medical supplies when she needed them She never seemed to panic In the huency trauma centers that had survived the cutbacks But she spentthe semi-permanently furry Since Marcus had died, ere really short on doctors

Which explained why there was a bodyguard leaning on the other side of the dooratching us move into the roo about the way he stood le of black hair fell into his eyes, and they glittered like black jewels froes of his leather jacket, and I caught glimpses of at least four knife hilts before he let the jacket fall closed There ht have been six hilts, but I was sure of four, and that was plenty

I&039;d been told the wererats were here, plural, but I hadn&039;t thought about it Hadn&039;t really heard it I&039;d been so busy not seeing Richard, that I hadn&039;t really looked at the rooht as well have been unarood they would have done me, if Fredo hadjust inside the door, opposite the side I cah, and I hadn&039;t seen hied to keep it off my face I nodded to Fredo; he nodded back I wanted to say so, Stupid, stupid And that kind of stupid could get me killed

Nathaniel was at the back of the kitchen by the sink, under thethat we&039;d once had to replace because of shotgun dae The as fine now, but I wasn&039;t I lived in a world where I had to see the bad guys Fredo was on our side, but he was definitely a bad guy Not a bad guy that would kill ht past him It was a rookie

I kept walking until I stood beside Nathaniel with our backs to the room Damian trailed me like a lost puppy that had found a likely handout I&039;d let go of his hand when I realized I hadn&039;t seen Fredo, when I&039;d felt the movement of Fredo behind me I wanted my hands free I knew that Damian needed to touchclaustrophobic The kitchen&039;s a good-sized rooht and shiny, but with the curtains shut and the overhead lights on, it was diht I wanted to step out on the deck and watch the trees with the ht on them I didn&039;t want to stand here in the dark and hold the vampire&039;s hand I wanted a choice, and I didn&039;t seery, and it wasn&039;t Damian I was mad at

The far drapes moved, and Clair came back in from the deck, all smiles "It&039;s a wonderful view"

"Thanks," I said, and went back to watching Nathanielanywhere else, et the best of me I wanted to rant at Richard, to scream and accuse And I so did not want to do that in front of his new girlfriend or my boyfriends Did I just say boyfriends?

I put my hands on the coolness of the counter, closed ood Not feeling was better

A hand laid itself over mine, and themy eyes who it was, because only one man&039;s touch cal his calaze I wanted to hate hi trapped with hi my hand, with his eyes so ready to fill with pain, I couldn&039;t be angry, not with hiood solid breath He took er, but he couldn&039;t take the fear I jerked away froht now, Daot"

A hand touched my arm, and I jerked away from it Nathaniel&039;s eyes were cautious rather than hurt "What&039;s wrong?"

I ainst the island hard enough that the dishes rattled in the cabinets

"Anita" Micah&039;s voice He was at the end of the island looking at me with his serious kitty-cat eyes

I couldn&039;t seeetting smaller Nathaniel was in front of me, and either side of the island was blocked by the other two I felt cornered, trapped in so many ways

"Boys," Dr Lillian said, "I think Anita needs a little air"

"I can&039;t leave Damian alone," I said, but my voice sounded choked

She ca them back "Come on, a little fresh air and some open spaces, doctor&039;s orders" She held out her hand to me, but was careful not to touchbetter than I did She eased h the, and I was blind with it for a ain, she was as far away as the wraparound deck would allow her to be and still be on it She didn&039;t say anything, just looked out at the view

I started to say soht I went to the rail and looked out at the trees The trees were a kaleidoscope of color The wind stirred all that gold and orange, and a cascade of leaves like an upturned bag of gold showered down around me The sky was that flawless blue that only happens here in October, as if the sky were closer, fresher, newly minted blue, as if all the clear skies until now had been practice for these feeeks of blue, blue sky I breathed in the heavy gold of the sun, like pale syrup on the leaves It smelled like autu leaves, chill nights, and the warht falls You could taste fall on your tongue like so thick and nutty and sweet I took in as much air as I could and let it out slow, as if o

I stood there leaning on the railing, drinking in the sunlight, the colors, and the rich scent of autu and calm all on my own by the time Dr Lillian spoke She stayed on her end of the deck, as if she wasn&039;t sure how much room I needed "Feel better?"

"Yes," and I sh I felt a little embarrassed "Sorry that I lost it in there"

"You&039;ve had soes in a very short space of time, Anita"

"How much do you know?"

"That you&039;ve somehow tied yourself to Damian and Nathaniel, somewhat the way that Jean-Claude tied you and Richard to him That you did it by accident That it&039;s a hed, and the sone "Yeah, I could have handled it better"

"No one could handle all that you handle, Anita, better or worse You keep surprising all of us"

"Us, who?" I asked

She smiled "All of us, the shapeshifters, the vampires, all of us I can&039;t really speak for everybody, but I know you are a constant a to do next" She leaned against the rail with her arms crossed over her clean white shirt

"Neither do I, not anyain, isn&039;t it?"

"You know, I really don&039;t want to psychoanalyze ht now"

"Fine," she raised her hands as if to show she was unar claustrophobic, and you need soet some air, okay?"

"It was that obvious?" I asked

"If I say yes, you won&039;t like it, because you hate for anyone to be able to read you If I say no, I&039;d be lying, and you hate that, too"

"I&039; with, aren&039;t I?"

"Not ih to soften it, and said, "Do you feel up to going back inside?"

I took another deep breath and nodded "Sure"

She nodded, too "Good, be careful when you move the drapes Don&039;t want to flash too much of this beautiful sun onto Da lass doors, I ondering, as I going to do with hi hi to do it up to a point, but all day would drive me mad Especially if it was not just today, but every day I suddenly saw an endless stream of days with Damian permanently attached to me It was claustrophobic

I half expected hih the door, but he didn&039;t I stood there in the sudden di my eyes adjust My eyes automatically turned to where Richard had been, but I forced myself to look for Fredo first He&039;d ainst the small two-seater table in the breakfast nook The white roses that Jean-Claude sent every week fraes of his jacket again I&039;d never seen Fredo use his knives, but soet to his blades faster than I&039;d get to un, not to ency backup, not a main weapon If I&039;d wanted a blade as a main weapon, I&039;d have put on the wrist sheaths

I eased into the room away from Fredo, not because he meant me harm, but simply on principle I wasn&039;t at uy in the room, so I treated him with the caution he deserved Besides, I had to redeem my earlier stupidity soht just to reassure irl, that phase had been shorter anyway We are eneral rule

Richard was still at the table Clair was beside hiood shoulder, her sainst the darkness of his skin She atching ray blue, but blue nonetheless

Micah stood at the side of the island closest to the table He seemed tense, but it was a flicker of his eyes that helped me find Daed himself into the corner between the cabinets and the sink He was holding his knees tight to his chest, his face resting on theed to hide alown and the fall of his own hair Nathaniel was beside hi Damian&039;s hands, but that was all

Nathaniel looked up atin his violet eyes, pain, helplessness, so I wasn&039;t mad anymore, and I didn&039;t feel claustrophobic as I crossed the kitchen to them I knelt on the other side of Daht ot back inside"

I nodded It sounded logical

"He didn&039;t want me to touch him much" He wasn&039;t hurt when he said it, it was just a fact

I touched Damian&039;s bowed head His hand suddenly wrapped around my wrist The movement had been too fast to see, which didn&039;t happen often to me with vamps, and shouldn&039;t have happened with this one The speed of it, and the strength in his hand ave me the full look of those emerald eyes I was suddenly struck by the sheer beauty of him It was almost a physical force As if beauty were a hammer and I&039;d taken a hit directly between the eyes

"My God," Nathaniel whispered

It took lance away from Damian Once I saw Nathaniel&039;s face it was easier, and I could breathe again "Do you see it, too?" I asked

He nodded "It&039;s like a really good face-lift, not ht"

"What are the two of you talking about?" Daain, and I was held spellbound He&039;d always been handsome, but not like this "It&039;s vaht as my servant he&039;d be less able to do that, not ames, Anita," Nathaniel said He reached out to touch Damian&039;s face

Da with ," I said, "Richard beat the shit out of you, but there&039;s not a mark left"

He raised his own hand up and touched his mouth "It&039;s healed," he said

I nodded, and it was as if I was mesmerized by hie healed? I couldn&039;t tell, and I wasn&039;t sure whether Nathaniel was a better judge than I was "Micah, can you look at him?"

Micah came to stand at the end of the island closest to us The look on his face was enough, before he said, "Wow"

But was it mind tricks? That&039;s what I wanted to know I reached up to touch his face, and he didn&039;t lean away from me, as he had Nathaniel I&039;d seen part of his memory of what had happened to hiiven him to, so she could feed off his pain and fear So I understood some of the homophobia, but Nathaniel wasn&039;t a threat to him, not in that way In other ways, he was a threat to everyone who saw him Oh, well

I touched Damian&039;s cheek, and it was solid But it was all solid Nathaniel was right, it was like a really good face-lift; there wasn&039;t that much difference What was it about his face that was different? What had kept Da before? I&039;d never made a study of his face, I wasn&039;t sure I knew hied Maybe my confusion showed on my face, because Nathaniel said, "His mouth, his lips were too thin for his face, now they&039;re full and they match"

Now that Nathaniel had said it, I could remember Dalamour? It had to be, didn&039;t it? I closed ers over his lips I didn&039;t reuide me I kissed him, soft but firo, and it wasn&039;t the saotten a collagen injection while eren&039;t looking I drew back just enough to see his face clearly There was a slight up-tilt to his eyes, and they were bigger, not much, but just a little, or was it that his eyebrows had a wider arch to them? Were his lashes thicker, darker? Shit

"What&039;s wrong?" Daain, and this time there was a thread of fear in his voice