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16 Being the Chronicles of Abby Normal, Nosferatu

Well, that was dra in the other room because I drank a little of her blood Fuck’s sakes, you mopey emo-toy, cowboy the fuck up, you have quarts! What did she expect, she got to kill me, that’s not free? I’m not like so, I am nosferatu, bee-yotch That shit has a price Her blood totally tastes like zit cream, too I almost hurled

I know, tr��s cool, non? So, now that I am a dark and beautiful creature of unspeakable evil, I think I’ Except I can only, like, advertise darkness and unspeakable evil, because I’ on the beauty First, all one Gone! Like wiped off After I succu a whole bottle of the Motherbot’s sleeping pills, Ronnie hid me under a pile of blankets and stuffed animals in her room, and when I awoke at sundown and crawled from my sepulcher of Carebears and Muppets and whatnot, all my tats totally wiped off Like the ink was pushed out on top of my skin Now Ronnie has an Epileptic Els healed up My bars and rings are all in the carpet

Boobs? Still pathetic I had so hoped to swoop down on Foo and totally flash e on hiirls out the top, then be all: BAM! "Check it out, Foo Cower before killer d��colletage, and beg me to let you rub your handsome ninja face on it" But no! Now he’ll be all, "Oh, it looks like you dropped a couple of dimes down your shirt, vamp child Can I help you with those?"

So I suffer

And you can’t get implants I sahat happens when the Animals’ blue hooker turned vampyre You wake up and your implants are on the floor and you’re all, "Hey, I blew like a hundred strangers to get those" I’ers will vary depending on prevailing suck and surgical rates in your area (You acquire arcane e when your mother is a nurse) You can’t have stuff reht be needed

Even my makeup is ruined from where Ronnie tried to s to take like an hour to fix I had heard that sos, you don’t always die because your heart won’t stop, which is why you’re supposed to put your head in a plastic bag But I didn’t want to because I had done Cleopatra eye ant so I would look hawt for my resurrection So Ronnie was supposed to put her hand over , then like fix irlfriend in a coma for weeks while the Motherbot whined about how she couldn’t unplugand how she had never appreciated my dark complexity and inner beauty and whatnot, and I have too much shit to do for that

But Ronnie didn’t even wait for me to pass out I had just taken the pills with some Sunny D (because the nosferatu love us some irony), and I laid down on the floor like we had planned, so Ronnie could just roll my body under the bed to hide rieving for the loss of my mortality and whatnot, when Ronnie, like, just throws a pillow on my face and sits on it And I’m all, "Wait, wait, ht in an farts-because she’s been a vegan ever since she had head lice and we shaved her head (I don’t knohy Soarlic and parasites She’s insane) ’Kayso, I decided that I could wait to receive the dark gift, and that Ronnie would have to die as soon as I got her off me So she, like, burns another one! And she’s skinnier than me I don’t kno she could even have it in her And she’s laughing so hard that she falls off of me and Iher around the house, going, "I’ to peel off your skin andshit with theot all wiggly and the last thing I relass doors to the balcony and kind of bounced off And so tragically, I died young, and no one was there to grieve for me or shed tears for me or kiss my cold, lifeless lips and whatnot

But now I’m undead awesome I think with practice, I will make a super, super-villain, and really, I’m okay with that, because there won’t be any student loans like there would have been with ic romantic poet

’Kayso, now I must fix ht, searching for the Countess and the vampyre Flood, and maybe drop by the love lair to totally overwhel and eternal but still s immortal rocks! I can type like demon speed! Fear me! L8z

THE EMPEROR

The Emperor and the men shared a subht noonday sun as they watched a dark knife of a yacht glide into dock She was just short of the length of a football field, all black, with stainless-steel triht look like if it were driven by sails The sails on her three stainless-steel masts were mechanically furled into black carbon fiber shrouds, and the curved s of her cockpit and cabin were blacked out There were no crewmen on the deck

In all his years on and around the sea, the E like it

Burowled

"Easy, little one, it’s only a sailing ship, and a beautiful one at that," said the Ee that there was no crew on deck to secure thelines A ship of that size, and more important, of that expense, would usually have half a dozen orher up, but once parallel with the dock, attitude jets along the sides opened in the hull and gently pushed her into the dock Jets on the far side pushed back so she stopped within six inches and hovered there, the jets firing just as needed to keep her fro Three hundred feet of steel and carbon fiber, probably over twelve hundred tons, parked as easily and somewhat more smoothly than a Mini Cooper at a strip e of the breakwater and let loose with , which translated, "Bad boat, bad boat, bad boat, bad boat"

A barking fit fro out of the ordinary, and nor word, but there was still half a sub had to be very much amiss for Bummer to leave the scene of a sandwich

Now Lazarus sniffed the chill wind co off the Bay and whimpered, and tossed his head, then looked back at the E to, "Smells undead, boss"

The E to him, but he suspected He just wasn’t ready to hear it It had only been a few hours since the two police inspectors had dropped him off at the St Francis Yacht Club, where the members allowed him and the men the use of the outer showers, and one of the members had purchased this lovely sandwich and presented it to them in thanks for their service to the City Only an hour since he’d actuallythe better part of a night upside-down in a barrel And only now, after a walk along the waterfront and a goodto subside He wasn’t ready to go back into battle

"I am a selfish old man," he said to the men "A coward, worried for my own comfort, when my people are threatened I a on his creaky knees, pushing hi stick he’d retrieved only thisfro The handle was carved out of ivory into the shape of a polar bear, and it fit the Eh it had been a gift fro man named Asher, ned the secondhand store in North Beach, but that’s another story He wished there had been a blade in it, like the cane young Asher carried Alas, he would have to face the black ship with only a stick, a sandwich, and his intrepid furry companions

He puffed himself blowfish style and headed up the dock, Bu behind hi har the fence at the breakwater, and were pointing to the great ship It wasn’t so unusual that onehis day to a full halt, but if you were in the middle of a run or a brisk walk and needed a reason for a pause, the black ship would certainly fire the ih for you to catch your breath

Once at the ship, the Emperor was unsure of what to do There was really no reason beyond Bu her And this ship was not of his city, therefore he could not clai just under the water, sporadically, to keep the ship in place It was only a step, albeit a long step, and he’d be standing on the deck at her prow Perhaps, having made the leap, a further course of action would occur to him He backed up on the dock to take a run at it, or as e and boiler-tank bulk would allow him, but as he announced "two" on his count-down to launch, a tanned face surrounded by a tangle of blond dreadlocks popped up over the rail of the cockpit and a youngus the jarinds, yeah? I and I tanks ye colossal, but please to be waiting on the dock"

And the E and sat and turned their heads in thefor a "food" word aof the cockpit and landed on the lower deck, his bare feet barelya thump He was lean and muscular, tanned a caf�� au lait color, with a tattoo of a huht pectoral old ring in his nose, and a series of the down the rim of each ear His dreadlocks fanned out around his head and shoulders as if theyfor a way to escape

He leapt the gap to the dock, dazzled a blindingly white grin, and snatched the remains of the sandwich out of the E de rippin’ grinds to I’n’I after so long at sea"

Burowled The Rasta-blond had their sandwich

"Ah, s on ye" He knelt and scratched Buer soing to bite hi his ears scratched

"I’n’I be Pelekekona Keohokalole Call him Kona, for short Pirate Captain and lion of the briny science, don’t cha know?"

"I am the Emperor of San Francisco, protector of Alcatraz, Sausalito, and Treasure Island," said the E hier, despite the black ship "Welcome to my city"

"Ah, many tanks, Bruddah Much respek on you, yeah? But you can’t be going on that Raven ship, no She kill you, brah Automatic-kine kill Dead, dead, too Not walkin’ around dead like the," said the Emperor

FOO DOG

The rats had been up andfor about an hour when Foo heard the key in the front door He put the soldering iron he was using in the wire holder and was turning toward the door when she was on his wrapped around hiht the back of his head and soue

Panic vibrated through hiht suffocate, but then the sarettes, and caff�� latte A a first-rate erection, which he thrust against his attacker in defense

She pushed away and twisted up a handful of his shirt-front as he gasped for breath

"Rawr!" she rawred

"Ihas only begun," Abby said She wore a red tartanneckline, a spiked dog collar, and her lireen Converse Chuck Taylors, which she sometimes referred to as her "forbidden love Chucks" for no reason that he could ever figure out

"You’re kind of crushing my ribs"

"That is because I aion and stuff! Tr��s cool, huh?"

Foo realized then that she had actually done it-she had soe herself into a vaone, the piercings healed The spider tattoo on her neck was gone as well "How?" he asked, i to calculate her odds of survival He’d talked to her yesterday on the phone and he was sure she would have mentioned the transition if she’d made it already, so she was in her first twenty-four hours She ht still be one of the ones ent insane and self-destructed, and even though Abby was short neither on insanity or self-destruction, it didn’t mean he shouldn’t try to save her

She kissed hiain, hard, and as nice as it felt, he was hyper aware of whether she had broken the skin on his lips, or hers So far, so good She pushed hiain so it didn’t bang the floor She actually seeh not that much quieter