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8 Being the Chronicles of Abby Norhouse of Despair

Do the condeuilt heaped like steaenta coif? (I ith e at being dragged from my home and imprisoned with the cruel Mombot and my crapacious little sister, Ronnie) Evidently, Mother feels that ere too young to , and live in a stolen apartment with two of the undead and their stupid ah she doesn’t really know about the undead or the cash parts, but she made her point

’Kayso, I had like put on oith the black veil and resolvedroo hie the channel and whatnot, when Jared called from the land-line at the love lair

So I’m all, "Speak, corpse-fluffer"

And Jared is all, "OMFG! The Countess is out, and she was naked, but now she’s not, and she totally got blood all over your leather corset, and you have to co out and we need a hacksaw and a file"

And I’m all, "Uh-oh"

And Jared is all, "I know I know OMG! OMG!"

And I’ way more chill than I felt

And Jared pauses for a second like he’s thinking it over, then he’s all, "She’s wearing your clothes and there’s blood running all down the front of her and she’s nodding and showing her fangs and shit"

So I’ some perspective now-like when you’re a kid and you think it sucks that you have to eat hydrogenated peanut butter on your PBJ, and then you see one of those starving commercial kids with the flies in their eyes, who don’t even have a sandwich-and you’re all, "Well, that sucks" ’Kayso, I’ under restriction in the hold isn’t so bad when co out her wrath on you for i her in bronze

So I’m like, "Sucks to be you, Jared Byez" And I offed o by, which I spend in , "Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit," and whatnot, and the land-line rings And Ronnie is all, "Are you going to get that?" from her room

And I’m all, "I didn’t even knoas hooked up"

And she was all, "It’s probably Moet it"

And I’m all, "Ronnie, answer it or I will murder you in your sleep and dump your body in the Bay"

And she’s all, "’Kay"

Then, "It’s for you It’s so there with her shaved head and her nonexistent hip thrown out, like "So there, ho"

And I’m all, "Fucksocks!" And I take the phone and I’ for the last two months!" Because what do you say to someone who you had bronzed?

And the Countess is all, "Abby, I’ry"

Which was a total lie, because I could hear that she was angry She had that "I’h she’s only, like, twenty-six in real years

"So you’re not going to kill et a power drill and a hacksaith extra blades and come to the loft"

And I’et stuff like that, and Foo’s at work, and I’o to school tomorrow I have a test, so I totally can’t cut class, and besides, what do you need that stuff for?"

And she’s all, "Find the tools and coet hi, Oops But I’et out the same way you did?"

And the Countess is all, "Tommy doesn’t kno to turn to mist That’s how I escaped, but To, Abby?"

"Oh, like a couple of days It’s all so foggy, after the head trau, like, "Jared, come over here I want Abby to hear your neck snap"

"Okay, like five weeks Fuck, Countess, overreact much?"

"Come now, Abby"

And she just clicks off

So I text Foo: COUNTESS OUT, NEED HACKSAW PWRDRILL NOW

And he’s all: WTF? WTF? WTF? OUT? WTF? ACE HARDWARE, CASTRO ST

(I know Four WTFs! Foo has deep intellectual curiosity Last week he quizzed me for twenty minutes on what it was like to have a clitoris I just kept saying "nice" I know, I’ else I so have to learn French They have like thirty-seven words for clitoris They’re like snow to Eskiloo out of)

’Kayso, I text him: KTXBYE &8249;3

And I tell Ronnie to tell Moot soet a new one so I’ll be right back Then I put on my jacket with the sun warts, in case of vampyre kitties and whatnot, and I take the F car up to Castro Street and go to Ace Hardware And I’uy in the red apron, and I’ dress?"

And he’s all, "No, I love the dress, the jacket, the whole ensem is fabulous"

And I’m like, "Really? Thanks Your apron rocks I need a hacksaw and a power drill"

And he’s all, "What’s it for?"

And I’ hacksaw and a power drill I’m on a schedule"

And he’s all, "I asked because we have over thirty different kinds of power drills"

And I’m like, "Oh I need to release my Dark Lord from the bronze shell in which I imprisoned him"

And he’s, "Oh, you should have said so" And he leads me to the drill boutique and I picked out a red and black one that matched my dress, and Bob picked out a hacksahich totally clashed, but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so I said it was tr��s beau, which is French for sweet

’Kayso, as I’uys still open at oes, "Well, you kno it is, you never knohen so to need to free their dark lord in the ht, or tie him up"

And I’o for that shit I ae as it applies to wardrobe I tried cutting myself to expressfuck I mean, I’ht piercings and five tattoos, soet, but that was professional, and you can blaht ill tattoo you for free if you’re a girl and you keep yelling at him the whole time, which, it turns out, isn’t that hard to do when so you with an electric needle When he did s I screamed at him so much I lost my voice for two days

’Kayso, I took the F car across town and the three blocks fro the button on ot ambushed by Chet and his vampyre kitty pals, because I totally can’t run indress because the buckles of ht in the lace, so it’s like, stand and fight or die, bitches! But no vamp kitties came

Anyway, I make it to the loft and I come in all, "Hey Countess, here’s your drill!" All Carebear-on-crack-perky, although that ht have been a mistake, because it’s a proven fact that it’s easier to murder the perky And I’m sort of, WTF vampyress? Because she’s not her normal self, which is like hemophiliac hawt, but she’s like printer-paper pale And I totally ignore the fact that she’s wearing one of , and it’s bustiering her way more than it does me, which is kind of rude And I’m all, "Countess, are you okay? You look kind of pale"

And Jared is all, "You should have seen her before she drank those blood bags"

And I’ all poop on a stick, because it’s obvious that she’s all gone snowflake because she’s been locked up without feeding So I’ether for eternity, and it didn’t sound like that’s hoas going to happen"

And she’s like, "Later, Abby" And she just takes the tools fro and sawing and whatnot

So I’et out?"

And she’s all, "Rat boy was dancing and nicked the casting with his dagger"

And Jared’s all, "I wasn’t dancing I had so them my novel and I lost my balance on your stupid boots"