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5 The Further Chronicles of Abby Norht

’Kayso, who is outside my door but Baroness Buzzkill herself, the Motherbot, accompanied by those most crapacious homicide cops, Rivera and Cavuto

So I’m all, "Oh joy, does this caffeine fresh clusterfuck come with donuts?" Which it turned out, it didn’t, so really, WTF is the point of bringing cops?

And the Mombot is all, "You can’t do this, and who is this boy, and where have you been, and you have no right, and blah, blah, blah, responsibility, worried sick, you’re a horrible, horrible person and you ruined s"

Okay, those weren’t her exact words, but the subtext was there And in retrospect, Iover at Lily’s house" ga in my own tr��s cool love lair with a mysterious love ninja So I decided to turn the tables on her by asking questions, before she got in the rhythuilt

So I’m all, "How did you find me?"

And the dark, Hispano cop steps up, and he’s all, "I called her"

So I rolled up in his grill Well, up in the knot of his tie, because he’s taller than me And I’m all, "I can’t believe you ratted ets all chilly and he’s all, "I’m not a traitor because I’ my day-slave na, Okay, cop, I can see that you believe that your shit cannot be shaken, and you are totally trying to coht do you a good long ti rituals of the ancient and crusty-makes you barf in your ay cop, and I’ht ere on the same side because-well-because we know about the nosferatu, and all that ot from his art collection We’re not? I’ I was going to cry a little, but ates of hell, and I didn’t want it to go raccoon on me so early in the day, so only a sniffle I wiped ay cop’s sleeve

And the Momster is all, "What? What? Nosferatu? What? Money? What?"

And Rivera is all, "Excuse us a moment, Mrs Green, we need to have a ith Allison"

So the Moo into the bedroom and I’m all, "Oh I don’t think so You can wait outside," or so like that, because it turns out I didn’t want her to see the inner sanctu the dog collars, test tubes, centrifuge, and whatnot et our mad scientist freak on in the privacy of the boudoir)

So Mom steps outside

And Foo is all, "Owned, bitches!" And he did a pathetic ie, and I was, at once, touched by his support, yet eic lack of rhythm and booticuity

And Rivera is all, "Allison, how did you know about the money and the old vampyre and the yacht and you have no proof and blah, blah, I so can’t decide whether I’ to still pretend to be badass or totally crap rip you just put on my man sac, blah, blah"

And I’ the p in cop because it makes both of them flinch a little "You need to exit and take the Mombot home or I will be forced to expose your evil shit to your masters, and not in the fun way"

And the Hispano cop was all chill, nodding and s, which harshed my confidence so here is twenty-one, and you are still a s, we can take hi to the delinquency of a , and statutory rape" And he folds his arms all, "Take that, bee-atch" Hip-hop superior

So I’e of inormous perve!" Then I slapped hiht think I was a slut "I should have knohen you had me shave my va-jay-jay into the shape of a beaver!"

And Foo’s all, "I did not!"

"Pervy and redundant, don’t you think?" I asked the big gay cop, ouldn’t know a va-jay-jay if it bounced up to hiled Banner" (You ever notice that hardly anything besides the "Star-Spangled Banner" is spangled? There’s no, like, the Raisin-Spangled Scone, or the Flea-Spangled Beagle I’) So, I, like, start to pull upto flash the beav, which was a bluff, because I am totally tri hts and put the PG-13 onhis head and screa for, the big gay cop is across the roo theht

So Foo is all, "O!"

And I’, so I’m like, "Unhand him, you fascist-ass bear"

And Rivera is all, "Allison, we need to co to jail, and even if the charges don’t stick, he can kiss his ood-bye"

Powned! I was forced to lower e and started to get tear-spangled, andto me like, "Please, do not abandon me, despite my obvious eive you a hundred thousand dollars to leave our love lair like nothing happened"

And Rivera is like, "We’re not interested in your ay bear cop is like, "Wait, where did you get that kind of money, anyway?"

And Rivera is like, "Never mind, Nick, it’s not about money"

And I’m like, "OMG Rivera, your bad cop skills suck ass It’s always about the money Don’t you have a TV?"

And he’s like, "What happened out there this ?"

And I’m all, "You know, vae socks, Abby’s kung-fu of solar ass-kicking" Then to Foo: "Foo, the jacket is the sickest shit ever!"

"Which is a good thing," Foo translated for the cops

And Rivera is all, "Vampyre cats? That’s what the Emperor said"

’Kayso, it’s clear that the cops have doubts, so I explain the whole battle, and Foo’s theory of how Chet isvampyre kitties, and hoe are pretty much fucked nine ways to Kwanzaa because it’s the end of the world and whatnot, and there are metric buttloads of kitties in the City, and only two fly, va solar jackets,detained by law enforce humanity

So Rivera’s all, "What about Flood and the redhead? You helped theht?"

Kudos to Inspector Obvious, we’re only living in their loft, spending theirour damp towels on their bronzed bodies I was all, "They left All the vaet on a boat at the Marina?"

"The Emperor isn’t the most dependable witness," Rivera says "And he didn’t say anything about those two, but I find it hard to believe that a cat, even a va of va enforcement officer"

So I was like, "Chet is not a nore than norer If you don’t let Foo work his ht be dry-hu like a a-haired bobblehead He was all, "Truth"

The big gay Cavuto cop is all, "Can you do that, kid? Can you put this shit storm back in the box?"

"Absolutely," says Foo, when he totally has no clue how to catch Chet "I’ll need some time, but leave the handcuffs on, because that’s hoork best"

Foo can be ent than himself, which is almost everyone

’Kayso, Rivera takes the sleeve ofat it, all Neanderthal discovers fire face And he’s all, "Can you ?"

And I’ed a little (which wason to you, Allison Not only are you thecreature on the planet, you are a child"

And I’ to a child?" And I pulled up lorious boobosity

And he didn’t say anything So I turned ay cop

And they’re all, "Um-uhr-uhr-um-"

I’m like, "Et tu, Foo?" Which is Shakespearean for, "You traitor!"

And I ran into the bedroo I’d taken a hostage, except really the only weapon I had was a jacket with little light warts all over it, so I was liet their feelings hurt really easily by my snarky wit

’Kayso, then I stared into the dark abyss that is theon cable And in searching the depths ofsex as a weapon, and that I ood, unless Foo wants to do son a waiver Now, I realize that the only way for th as a woman is to become nosferatu And since the Countess and Lord Flood wouldn’t bring me into the fold, I must find my oay to the blood power

’Kayso, in a few minutes Rivera’s at the door all, "Allison, I think you’d better come out here"

And I’m all, "Oh no, Inspector, I can’t open the door I’ve taken all these pills and everything’s all wiggly You’ll have to break the door down"

Then Foo’s all, "Abby, please come out I need you" He used his I’m sad, wounded, and locked in the castle toith all one voice, which I didn’t even know he had, but it was tragic and I had to come out and humble myself before the cops like a little bitch, despite ift

So I’m all, "What?"

And Rivera is all, "Allison, we have an agree He will stay here and work on a solution to the cat problees, you both will say nothing to anyone about our previous-uh-adventures, with Mr Flood, Ms Stroud, and any other persons of the blood-drinking persuasion Nor e ed hands, and who reed?"