Page 1 (1/2)

The third book in the Love Story series, 2010

1 Hello Kitty

BEING THE JOURNAL OF ABIGAIL VON NORMAL, Eht

The City of San Francisco is being stalked by a huge, shaved vaency backup a-haired love , stand between the ravenous eneral public Which isn’t, like, as bad as it sounds, because the general public kind of sucks ass

Still, I think that this battle of dark powers; the maintenance of my steamy, forbidden roh-high Skankenstein® platform boots; as well as the daily application of co Biology 102 (Introduction to Mutilation of Preserved Marmot Cadavers, with Mr Snavely, who totally has his ith the ood authority) But try to tell that to the mother unit, who deserves this despair and disappoint me with her tainted and small-boobed DNA

Allow me to catch you up, s’il vous plaît Pay attention, bitches, there will be a test

Three lifetio, orsays, "time is like a river of slippery excretions when you’re in love"-anyway-during winter break, Jared and I were in Walgreens looking for hypoallergenic eye makeup e encountered the beautiful, redheaded Countess Jody and her consort of blood, uised in jeans and flannel as a loser

And I was all, "Nosferatu" Whispered to Jared like a night wind through dead trees

And Jared was all, "No way, you sad, deluded little slut"

And I was all, "Shut your fetid penis port, you spunk-breathed poseur" Which he took as a compliment, so that’s how I ay, he’s never really gayed anyone up, except , I think Jared would be considered a rodentsexual, if not for the difficult geometry of the relationship (See, size does matter!)

Note to self: I should totally set Jared up with Mr Snavely and they can talk about squirrel-shagging and whatnot and maybe I won’t have to repeat Bio 102

Anyway, Jared is a fitting support player in the tragedy that is , self-loathing, and allergies to beauty products I’ve tried to talk hi pro

’Kayso, the vampyre Flood had me meet him at a club, where I offered up myself to his dark desires, which he totally rejected because of his eternal love of the Countess So he bought me a cappuccino instead and appointed me to be their official minion It is the duty of thethe h I never did that last part because the masters don’t like kids

’Kayso, the vaave me money and I rented a tr��s cool loft in the SOMA (which is widely accepted to be the best ’hood for vas and no one would suspect ancient creatures of purest evil to hang out there) But it turns out, it was like half a block from the tr��s cool loft in the SOMA that they already lived in ’Kayso, when I take the key to theift of iuys and a painted blue ho with ginormous fake boobs pulls up And they’re all, "Where is Flood? We need to talk to Flood And let us in," and other de shit And I’m all, "No way, step off Smurfett There’s no one na-zoo-stick! She was blue!

And I’m not racist, so shut up She clearly had self-esteeiant fake boobs, slutty blue body-paint, and doing a carload full of stoners forher by the color of her skin Everyone copes When I got braces I went through a Hello Kitty phase that lasted well into my fifteens, and Jared maintains that I am still perky at heart, which is not true I am simply coht then the Asian guy looks at his watch and says, "Too late, it’s sunset" And they drove off Which is when I opened the door into the stairwell to the loft and was confronted by Chet, the huge shaved vampyre cat (Except, at the ti a red sweater, so I didn’t knoas shaved, and he wasn’t a vae)

So I’ only Willia on the steps I thought he was dead, because of the smell, but it turns out he was only passed out from alcohol and partially drained of blood and stuff But I’m pretty sure he’s dead now because, later, Foo and I found his stank-ass clothes on the steps of the loft, full of the gray dust that people turn to when a vampyre drains theuy and a huge kitty in a sweater on your steps" And the Countess and Flood are all, "Whatever"

And I’m all, "And there was a li you"

And they were all, "Whoa" And they seemed more freaked out than you’d think, for ancient creatures of dark forbidden romance and whatnot And it turns out they weren’t-I mean, aren’t I mean, sure, their love is eternal, and they are creatures of unspeakable evil and stuff, but they are not ancient at all It turns out that the vampyre Flood is only like nineteen, and he’s only known the Countess for like two months And she’s only like twenty-six, which, while a little crusty, is not that ancient And despite her advanced age, the Countess is beautiful, with long, totally natch red hair andbody that could turn a girl totally lesbo if she wasn’t already a slave to the(Foo keeps insisting that he can’t be a ninja because he’s Chinese and ninjas are Japanese, but he’s just being stubborn and goes all Angry, Angry Asian onit up)

’Kayso, in the master’s loft I see these two bronze statues, one of this crusty businessuy, and the other looks like the Countess, except it’s totally naked, or in a leotard, and bronze And I’m all, "Exhibitionist, much, Countess? Did it come with a pole?"

And she’s all, "Help Tommy move furniture, Wednesday" Like that makes any sense at all (Turns out that Wednesday is a Gothish character from some crusty movie)

’Kayso, later, by virtue ofaround and whatnot, I find out that the statues aren’t statues at all That the Countess used to be inside the statue of her, and that inside the crusty businessman statue is the real ancient creature of unspeakable evil, the nosferatu that turned the Countess And the vampyre Flood, asn’t a vampyre at all at the ti the deep sleep of the daytiet (You should know right now, that there’s no yawning, gentle drift into sleepytime for va-doll dead on the spot, and you can pose them, paint them, put their hands on their junk and post the pics on the Web, and they won’t know a thing until sundohen they cohty bits are green and their inbox is full of propositions from elfin_lovecom)

I know Whoa!

It turns out that Flood, as known as Tommy, was chosen by the Countess as her day-hts at the Safeway Then, the old vampyre, who had turned the Countess only like a week before, started fucking with theenerally harsh Jody’s reality ’Kayso, Flood and his stoner Safeway night crew (called the Ani yacht in the Bay, and they stole like jillions in art from the yacht and blew it up with the vampyre in it, which seriously put habaneras in his ’tude lube, but when he ca tiuns and whatnot

I know! Oh-oes to show you, like Lord Byron says in the poeh weed and explosives, even a creature of most sophisticated and ancient dark power can be undone by a few stoners"

I’ It may have been Shelley

’Kayso, the Countess saves the old va toasted, but she promises the cops (there were these two cops) to take hio to sleep, Flood, who couldn’t bear to lose Jody, took them downstairs to the biker-sculptors and had the to explain to the Countess about why he did it, he drilled holes in the bronze by her ears, and she turned into mist, streamed into the room, and turned him into a vampyre Which totally surprised him, because he didn’t even know she kne to do either of those things (Misting and turning, I mean)

So then they’re like, both vaht skills Because Jody had been feeding off of Toh what they would eat after Touy we’ll call Williae Cat Guy (because that’s what people call hin that said, I AM POOR AND MY CAT IS HUGE And they ended up renting the huge cat, Chet, to be their shared blood lunch But it turned out that a large part of Chet’s kitty hugeness was fur, so in order to facilitate the biting process, they shaved hilad that I wasn’t their minion yet, because I think we all knoould have ended up shaving the kitty

But no! It didn’t work I’ot totally, date-rape-level hae cat renton him Which is where I, the new princess-elect of darkness, was brought into the fold (Into the "fold"of sheep, not fold like in what you do to T-shirts if you’re a casual cotton slave at Old Navy)

It was I, who turned Toram, where he was able to use his pale thinness to convince thees so they could take Williae for the Countess to have in her coffee Turns out that the only way the vampyre can tolerate real food or drink is if it has a little human blood in it (The Countess likes blood on her fries, which is at once tr��s cool and deeply fucked-up)

So, as soon as the Countess and Flood figured out the deal with blood and food, Williao find hiht, while Flood and I et lice shaued by vermin, and Flood sent me home early to spare me the wrath of the mother unit because he didn’t want his minion on restriction (So noble I think that’s when I fell in love with him) Then he took the bronzed old vampyre down to the water to duot back It was clear to me that Toet rid of hiot to the Bay and had to leave the old va on the Embarcadero and run from the sun for his life At the last minute, the Animals drive by in their limo with their stupid blue ho and scoop the vampyre Flood off the street just before he was incinerated by the sun

I know WTF?

(FYI, when I type WTF, you are supposed to read it What the Fuck? Sa God Only a completely lame Disney Channel nimnode pronounces the letters Even BMLWA, or Bite My Lily White Ass should only be spoken as letters if you are hanging out with nuns or other people who are e told to bite asses)

’Kayso, the Anio back to work at the Safeway, but not before they tie Flood to a bed fraet him to turn her into a vampyre, because now she had like all the otten for the old vampyre’s art, which was like six hundred thousand dollars, and she wanted to take her ti it, so she wanted to be immortal But Flood was like a complete vamp noob He’d never even killed anyone and turned thee someone The Countess didn’t tell him that the chosen had to drink the vaift So the blue ho tortures the shit out of him

I knohat a bitch

Meanwhile, the Countess found the huge cat guy, and I found the lice shampoo, but we don’t knohere To out on soht there in the loft, and I was all, "Oh shit, I’ reen Chuck Taylors, which are totally not the kicks for beco a creature of unspeakable power in" But no, the Countess just partook of uine nectar so she could heal That’s probably where I fell in love with her Anyway, she goes asking around about Touy who thinks he is the Es in the north end of the City all the ti around about Flood

So I’m all, "Uh-oh"

And the Countess is all, "Yep"

Next thing you knoe are at the Marina Safeway and the Countess-wearing her black jeans and red leather jacket, but no lipstick-underhands a steel reinforced trash can like as big as a lesbian gyht through the falling glass, badass as shit, into the store and starts kicking stoner ass It was glorious But she didn’t kill anyone, which turned out to be aany lipstick For while it was a heroic ass-kicking as has ever been delivered in real life, it would have been that much cooler if she had so in a dark maroon But they told her that Touy’s, apartment

And their shit was all busted up, and I was like, "You bitches have been powned!"