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CHAPTER 1
MANHATTAN, NEW YORK
Standing on the penthouse balcony later that night, I restto let the coldness bite intohard, I peer down at the cars beloith their red lights blinking as they crawl forward an inch and stop The sounds of the city were once a syht I loved it here Now it’s noise Heavy and oppressive Sighing deeply, I lift aze to ski tothat allows me to know I’m anchored Safe
The treetops look like jagged fingers of an ancient witch They wiggle, casting spells and coldness There’s nothing Nothing solid to see and tetherThey cry out day and night, “Remember what you’ve done” It’s become an ominous chant that never ceases The blood on my hands will never dry, never wash away There’s a reason why I haven’t mentally shattered all over Manhattan A reason why Ibelly
I will not break For them For Sean For me I will not break The words are a whisper inether
Closing my eyes, my mind wanders, retreats to the place where cal the crisp air deeply, I releaseand finally, I can see it in my mind’s eye—feel it It’s like I’ down a path lined with ses of the stone walk, jutting up from the sandy earth in plu the shore fill my ears, but I still can’t see the ocean
My mental stroll continues as I pass the clear blue pool that lies directly outside the floor to ceiling s of the great house The waters glow turquoise as sunlight kisses the ripples of the pool, scattering sparkles
A h my daydreae face down That night, I thought I lost Sean I thought that was him
It wasn’t Sean He’s alive We are both alive and ho my eyes, I shake the memory away
Meditation is important It’s become part of my life Dr Chan told ain She doesn’t realize I’m at an i to overtake me, but if not—I can’t
Accepting what I’ve done will destroy ile, weak I hate being this vulnerable
The irony of themy head, I back up and sit on a fluffy blue chair with ornate scrolling on the arainst a tufted leather pillow that’s buttery soft Lowering my head, I cup my face with my hands and s the sobs that want to cry out This is who I wanted to be when ITo be ruthless I would have traded et it Maybe I did, because ht now
Fight, Avery Push it back My inner voice chides, weak, but not entirely gone The blissful nuer want it The probleness The void that would s uilt, and leave me to move forith my life It’s the easy path One step down that road and I won’t co out like a lifeline that can save me when all others have failed
I will not break
Sean is no longer barren of emotion There are moments that co within hi and share it with me Show other people Even the assholes on the street who think he killed Alared forward, harshly, cold and unsympathetic Now he smiles at theiven their hisses, the mass of them
I cannot I will not I want to fight back I want to screa so weak What’s happening to me?
I gasp and touchthey’re ith tears Shit Focus Avery Control your goddahts Why is this so hard? I return towhat it was like a few short o
Eyes shut tight, I grip the edge of the chair and push back into the pillow further Deep breaths slow my frantic mind, the worry that claws atin and out, against the silvery sand The inky sky to the west is shrinking back as the eastern sky blooo
This is my spot This place beyond the dune, where the water meets the shore, at the end of the world If the Earth was flat, this is where it begins This is where the sun creeps over the horizon spilling pots of gold and aht air lifts as the waves slink up closer to e of the water The tide is shifting Soon there will be a sandbar out there covered with life
Theslows In htens me the most
Me
CHAPTER 2
A firm, warm hand rests onand possessive The daydrealance up into those vivid sapphire eyes “Are you hungry?” Sean asks “I ”
I nod and start to pushme his hand “Let me help”
Iin his arms, round belly pressed to his flat, toned stoth of hih his soft T-shirt Black With dark jeans that are slashed and frayed at the knee
His lips are by my ear, “Tell rown so quiet since we got home It’s like sofor answers A soft smile lines his lips as he reaches for a stray curl and pushes it behind my ear
The knot in my throat is massive I can’t breathe What a
ed to tackle the task I set out for when I , I sigh Tipping my head to the side, I lie, “I’m just tired”
“When did you see Chan?”
My gaze evades his, eyes dodging everywhere He gently tugsfor an answer that I’’s blurring together, Sean”
My rigidness is cracking, splintering apart under his gaze I can’t hold rip, saying, “Let’s eat on the couch, okay?” But he doesn’t release me
“Avery,” he speaks my name like a command “You will never be the person you were before all this happened That girl is gone You know that, but I can’t help but feel that Chan has soain that piece of you if you follow her rules You can’t God knows I’ve tried”
Tears spring up in azes are locked “I feel so broken Everywhere I look is another reminder of the life I lost Some days I can barely breathe If it weren’t for therowing inside me My lips remain parted but there are no more words I don’t kno to say it To tell him what I feel
The corners of hisand then cups both my cheeks, his voice drops an octave with the seriousness of what he’s saying “I know I see it in you There’s a place for numbness, Avery A time to use it And a time to put it away”
“The darkness that was in you, it’s gone, Sean I’o that way, I won’t coh is forced froine afor her baby Do you want that to be , it will be”