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I fked up

That’s the only thought I have when I digest ulfed aest sister, Daisy, sips beer fro her uy over and try to hook us up—to take o, I believed a house party would be a safe choice

Not true

So Not true

I should be chastely tucked beneath h the New Year’s riffraff at o, Lo—uy who encompasses my entire life—left for rehab Rose and I spent a full Monday packing h pictures, knickknacks and valuables, bursting into tears in random spurts Besides clothes and toiletries, what’s h a divorce

I still do

Only an hour in, Rose calledht a four-bedroo, lush land and a white wrap-around porch, black shutters and purple hydrangeas It reminds me of the southern homes in Savannah or the Ya-Ya Sisterhood When I told her this, she stood with her hands on her hips, appraising the building with those powerful, yellow eyes Then she broke into a smile and said, “I suppose so”

The isolation fro to bad places Mostly, I worry about Lo I toss and turn at night only to have to s large doses of sleeping pills to rest I ined a world without Lo here My throat closed up at the idea, my heart dropped and my head spun Now that the moment has arrived, I realize that he took a piece of me with him When I told this to Rose, she pattedirrational That’s easy for her to say She’s intelligent, confident and independent Everything I’m not

And I don’t think…I don’t think many people can really understand what it’s like to be so invested in sole moment and then to have them ripped from you We have an unhealthy, co-dependent relationship

I know this

And I’row beyond him, but why does that have to be a stipulation?

I want to groith him

I want to be with him

I want to love Lo without people telling me that our love is too much

One day, I hope we’ll get there Hope, that’s all I have to go on right now It’s

The first few days in withdrawals tortured me, but it helped that I hid in my room I refused to see the real world until I could push past the es So far, I’ve containedin self-love I’ve thrown out half of my prn to try to appease Rose and to convince myself that I’m on the path to recovery like Lo But I’m not so sure that’s the case Not when ht of sex But mostly, I want to have sex with him

And I worry about that fifty-percent chance where I’ll drag another guy into a bathroole er I shouldn’t be here At a house party Distance fros has helped so far This—this isn’t even close to h to push me someplace bad

When Daisy called and inviteddrinks and huddled around a television to watch music performances Not this Not an Upper East Side apartment crammed with models…male models I can barely scoot an inch without a body part invading ament brushes my skin

I should have told Daisy no I havehih to squash these compulsions before he returns from rehab, then our relationship will really be over No more Lily and Lo No more us He’ll be healthy, and I’ll be stuck on a destructive turntable alone

So I have to try Even if so myself of aits for me if I don’t wait for him Emptiness Loneliness

I will lose my best friend

As per Rose’s knowledgeable instruction (she’s been reading up on sex addiction—and so has Connor, but that’s another story), I should be looking for a suitable therapist before I attend any social events that’ll tempt me Daisy has no idea about uys and the high of a lay Rose is the only person in my family that’s aware of my problem, and it’ll stay that way if I can help it

Still, I didn’t tell Daisy no Even as I was trying to say it, she used the “I never see you” uiltthat I was oblivious to the fact that she broke up with Josh during Thanksgiving (FirstAnd I thought I was being so sly re his name and all) That’s how “uninvolved” I ale-status, I was feeling a torrential downpour of sisterly remorse I had to say yes to irl who is actually trying to be a part of her family’s world

Thatabout her ju pool Especially if these olderin their hooks to catch her

So here I ah, I did ditch my sweats for black pants and a silky blue blouse

“I’ether,” Daisy exclais around olden brown, nearly blonde, hair The feathery, straight strands flow past her chest

We separate and I pinch one of her locks off lossy lips

“Sorry,” she says, trying to pull back her hair, but her hands are full: beer in one and a cigarette idly burning between two fingers in the other “My hair is too fking long” She sighs in frustration, still co her shoulder and neck to try to push her hair off her chest, looking like a spaz in the process