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Sophie

“Wear that blue dress” My or “The one that makes your waist look slim”

To the untrained ear, that state a dress she thought made me look pretty But that wasn’t it What she ht in the last few e

It wouldn’t do any good to point out to her that gaining weight after having been a skeleton was a healthy thing Professional ballerinas look like art up on the stage, light as a feather on their toe shoes as they’re lifted and thrown into the air as if they weigh nothing at all But it took near-starvation to achieve that look, every rib poking out, hips jutting angry and sharp

Honestly, I barely recognized my body nohen I looked in thecurves, but gentle, feminine curves I’d had to buy all new bras Or should I just say bras I hadn’t needed theht of 5’6”, ht h as nails with broken toes I still danced on with a smile

Now that I’d quit dancing at the ripe old age of 25, the scale kept creeping up 110 115 If I didn’t watch it I’d hit 120, a nuht would havethe apex of my career Noondered with detached curiosity, what exactly would happen next in this new and fascinating world called Eating when Hungry?

I was charting a new path,a fresh start I just didn’t knohere I was headed Everyone around me told me I still had years left to dance But I knew I couldn’t stand it for another day I wasn’t injured There was nothing wrong with me, physically at least That meant the problem was in my head, or in my heart, because neither of them wanted to be a professional ballerina anymore

The life of a ballerina la around in tutus and ordering others about like a spoiled diva But that hadn’t beenrehearsals, nursing/hiding injuries, and coer dancers Every ounce ofthe producer, the choreographer, the director Every waking hour I’d twisted, shaped and forcedbody—and then spent evenpoked, prodded and painted into costumes and makeup

Totrapped inside one of those tiny figurines glued to the top of a jewelry box I was done spinning round and round for applause So I foundthe exclusive club of washed-up twenty-soenerally restricted to teen heartthrobs, one hit wonders and injured professional athletes

I had no idea what to do next Not a clue Yet But I had to believe I’d figure it out

Until then, I’d left New York City to coatuck Island Because, before you start feeling bad for me—if you even had started at all—let me explain that inal poor little rich girl, pruned and shaped like a bonsai tree to the delight of my parents Or at least ul could be, which was to say very

“Don’t make us late” My ain “Theo’s joining us”

“Theo?”

“Theo Bartright”

Ah, of course ible bachelor in New York to be at this casual little dinner party She was a force of nature I’d met Theo a few times in the city, and I reatuck, too About five years older than me, he had all the smooth sophistication of a CEO who knew he could have any woman in any room he walked into I hadn’t felt a spark e’d met before, but who knew, maybe that was because I’d been in a decidedly un-sparky funk I’d been unhappy for a long time

I looked at my reflection in the mirror I saw blue eyes, blond hair and what most others would describe as a slender frame But where others saw beauty, I saw i it, identifying flaws so they could be eradicated I noticed the sht eye, the freckles make-up artists always caked over, the couple of hairs indirection as if on a dare I saw everything I’d worked hard to tamp down over the years

I was sick of ta tie

Change didn’t happen overnight, though I looked at the dress I had on, a si T-shirt Butelse would ht

“Why don’t you just cut a hole in a paper bag and stick it over your head!” she’d shriek if I didn’t change ht

I had, after all, chosen to move back int

omy own place with the money I had saved up, plus my trust fund Yeah, I was one of those people But you“money can’t buy you happiness”? Little known fact:up with absent parents, looked after by a rotating ot, brother Ian and I had done our best to raise ourselves But that approach never worked out too well

Margot had nevershe didn’t like She’d make super best friends hatever new one crossed her path They’d et all absorbed in the relationship until the inevitable breakup That was part of why I’d cohter,the surandmother on the island It sounded picturesque, until you also added into the story line her absent father and her ured I could ht the endless cycle of screwing up the kids in our family At least I could take Eloise to the beach a few times

At 27, Ian wasn’t doingancestral mansion in Scotland As far as I could tell, he drank the days away, a recluse A boating accident when he’d been 14 had left hiht like a beast for the first couple years, deteriven up, settled down into a wheelchair and tucked himself ahere it rained and storray He barely even took my calls anymore, and I was his beloved baby sister

So that meant that I was the functional one, the showpiece, the successful ballerina and star of the faave a twirl in front of the full-lengthon a smile, I tucked back intoa whole lot easier

“Whatcha wearing?” Eloise bounced in, already in her jay of her storybook namesake, Eloise of the Park Plaza hotel And now they had another thing in common, too—absent parents I bet h

“Hey, bunny” I gave her a hug She always seeot it

“That’s so pretty,” sheher hands down the skirt of htly nipped in waist, the fabric pooled down in graceful, asyood taste

“Can I pick your shoes?” She ran to the closet “You don’t have sandals?” She poked around, clearly disappointed hat she found “Mom likes sandals with heels And she paints her toenails to match her dress Unless she doesn’t” Eloise stood for ato remember her mom’s bad days, the days when she couldn’t quite make it off the couch

“My toes are ugly,” I interrupted her train of thought With any luck this bout of rehab would stick and Eloise wouldn’t have to see those kinds of days anymore “Everyone thinks of ballerinas as pretty, but that’s because they’ve never seen their toes”