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He opened the door to an office just past the main area with the pews and podium I walked in and sat in a small wooden chair Fro to be a habit I was going to be a better parent than that Once I buried hione and I crawled out from under the rubble, I would try harder to be better

"I'm so sorry about your husband," he said pleasantly, as he sat in the chair across fro made me uncomfortable; how many tiies did he hand out? If he had known about the type of husband I had had, would he still offer condolences, or would I be getting the glass of wine I wanted?

"How are they taking it?" he glanced over his shoulder at the silver van

I shook ular sad" It was true They were no sadder than they would have been, if it had been Ralph, our cat Ja new for theht weeks since we had learned of his death, they had corief I had to repeat all of s

I had been the grievingfor a few days and then the angry ex-wife Noas so me a terrible combination of both

He nodded, "Of course they are How old are they?"

I answered him I didn’t want to, but my mouth wanted to move I wanted so an affair" There they were… those words They slipped out before I could stop them

His eyes lifted but he didn’t edy to lose a father so young"

I hated that word Lose I didn’t lose him They didn’t lose him He wasn’t lost, he was dead and so was I

I would never be whole again Ja, because I made them that way I believed his lies and drank the Kool-Aid, and not even the funeral director would pay attention to the pain that I had laid out for him so clearly He moved past it, like he didn’t hear it, but we both still felt it there in the air where I had left it Ja an affair and no one cared

“The kids bounce back faster than we do,” he said softly, letting that be his comment on the subject

But I was having a sickeningly hard ti or the focus Their pain had somehow taken a serious backseat to the betrayal, I had let overcome me

Being a otten bigger than I could handle They had joined the avalanche and I was buried

"Do you have any questions?" he asked

I snapped back, "Costs mostly" I felt hollow and dead

Soeneral lack of personality He made me numb, as if I were dead inside like him His dark hair had no sheen and his dark eyes were lifeless He was surrounded by so much death that he actually seemed dead He was a vacuu us both hollow shells

He clasped his hands, "Of course Well, the military covers so balance will be yours The VA only covers about three hundred dollars of our bill for a person not on active duty, at the ti few thousand will have to be covered by you" He didn't sugarcoat it I didn't mind that I think I preferred the fact he was dead inside too

"Can I write you a cheque?" I asked calmly

He nodded and put his cold pale hands on his cherry-wood desk, "Of course The service is planned for Sunday, still?"

I nodded and shivered and fought the dark places o, “It is They finally cleared the body” The military had been slow to transport him home and even slower to release his remains

He slid a docuned where the red lines were My fingers shook,my name look different than it ever had It wasn’t my name, not really It was the nauy named James Evans A man who loved his family, worked hard, and made his wife feel like she was safe

That lady was gone and I was left in her stead I didn’t knohat one, and the love was entirely based on his being with me The love and warmth left with him

I was stuck living behind the wall of bullshit he had built around us The wall I never bothered to try to climb and see the world for what it really was

I choked out a sob and stood up quickly, "Thank you" I scribbled on a cheque and left it on the desk I turned and ran to the van, clicking the unlock button like it was broken

Inside the van, I wanted to lose it I wanted to letme I wiped my face and smiled, "MacDonald's?"

Mitch wrinkled his nose and shook his head, "Grands like Dad used to, with the hole in the bread?"

My heart broke and my lip quivered as the tears flooded le I was facing I nodded, "Yeah," and started the van

Julie started to cry, "Mo in her seat She always cried when I did Mitch wiped his eyes and looked down I unbuckleddoor with a savage jerk and ripped her froet any of olden curls seeped into my bones I sobbed into her neck and waved at Mitch to coed him to me I wrapped myself around them as much as I could I needed to shield theot, and they didn’t need to knohat all was in the package deal They didn’t need to know about the wall of bullshit