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Chapter 1

Most children groanting siblings, especially little girls They want someone to share their secrets with, to have a best friend; to always have someone to talk to Fuck that, not me

It was h to have one person in this screwed up environ to bed hungry, I was barely able to fend forto take care of another little person Taking care of ht est survive, kill or be killed, that type of shit…my mom was a fucked up person, I had to survive Period

My childhood h clear, if that makes any sense at all Like it or not, it was my life, and for whatever fucked up reason or purpose, it was my reality

I didn’t live in the suburbs on Shooting Star Court I lived off of Nebraska in Ta around outside with a court and a blunt Wo Oh…the beauty of living in section eight housing Seeing a five year old on the streets was a daily occurrence several times a day, that didn’t ht about as in ht about ive her the benefit of the doubt ht at all She was always too fucked up on drugs or booze

I’d like to think that walking the streets were the only times I ever felt scared, that would be bullshit I think I was born scared However, five seeht? I was scared way before the age of five My mother haphazardly liked to leave me alone, ever since I could remember

One particular night sticks out inloud noises I ran intoout the here I heard the loud noises cohts reflecting off the houses

My heart sank to my stomach It was the first tias station, earlier that day, when ed ht the cops were coet me I ran to my room as fast as I could, and hid underneath the bed until I heard uy Only then, did I think it was safe to come out It’s actually kind of funny now that I think about it, to feel safe aroundjoke I didn’t sleep a wink that night, and hoped that my mother would coh she never did Shocker…

Our neighbor, e all knew as “Old Pa”, lived two doors down frouidance; like to put my shoes on and to stay off the streets I re in the back alley He was reallyto understand why he was sobetween the two dumpsters, or it could’ve been the needles that he kicked ahen he carried me back to his house to feedto pet the black kitten that kept running away frory, too

That was the last ti about how the cops had coh I’m sure if I searched the public records I could find out why, ignorance is bliss I want to remember some

thing good froood to me

Riding the school bus becaot to watch other children interact with two loving parents I pretended to have that, too When I was on the school bus, I felt like I could be anybody that I wanted I could be like all the other kids with new clothes, shoes, and really awesome backpacks A backpack and a lunch box were only a few of the iteh, one that looked just like Natalie Johnson’s It was pink with sparkles and glitter all over it Natalie had everything that I wanted She was the last stop on our bus route She lived in a bright yellow house, hite shutters, and pretty flowers There was even a wooden swing on the front porch

Natalie had two parents, a mother and a father They alaited with her at the end of their driveway Before getting on the bus, she always got a kiss goodbye froot on the bus, I would turn ot into his car to go to work, I presu her like the guys kissed my mother He loved her I could tell that even at the ripe old age of five

I kno that Natalie wasn’t what you would call rich There were far more exquisite hoh Her blonde hair was always so pretty It was shiny, wellblunt, it was clean Her headbands always s with her baby doll shoes

Thisthe school bus; one afternoon on our way home Natalie had on the shiniest bracelet I had ever seen It called to , I reached out and touched it She ertips, because she iusted and moved closer to theShe whispered under her breath that she wasn’t allowed to talk to me, and to leave her alone I didn’t understand why Kids could be so cruel I wasn’t a bad girl At least my teachers always told me that I was a sweet child

I quickly learned to have a love/hate relationship with school At least when I was there I knew that I was going to get the free lunches The kids weren’t nice to me They were actually very mean, except for Austin He was always nice to rade We always sat together at lunch, and played at recess

I re up for me, when Nathan Black called me Cootie Bella, when I had soround and Nathan skinned his elbows Austin had to sit in class for the next three days, while the rest of the class played at recess I tried to explain to Ms Allen that Austin was defending me, she said we needed to learn how to use our words, ‘Stupid Cunt’ how about that for some words?