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Chapter 1
In February, when the snow co Route 110, on the side of the road that slopes off when a driver least expects it The lights are candles set inside paper bags, surrounded by sand, and they burn past ht They shouldn’t last for that amount of time, but that’s part of theof boys creep out their s and gather at two in thethe road replacing eachto reveal a con in process and dispel thewatch for a while the boys all flee In the earlyhours, safe in their beds, they wonder how much of the world can never be understood or explained
The light globes are h school where Helene was a senior before the accident People who never even knew her spend all afternoon in the cafeteria filling up paper bags The first year, the art teacher ordered special sand froht, but now the sand is trucked in from Heyward’s Gravel Pit, and it’s pure white It looks like diaers
There are dozens of high school girls who lock theht, their hands dusted with luminous sand, prayers on their lips, their hearts heavy with sorrow Each one thanks her lucky stars she is not Helene, even though Helene was the beautiful girl who could do as she pleased, the one every boy wanted to date and every girl wanted to be like But that was then Now even the outcasts—the fat, the unattractive, the lonely, the sorrowful, the lost—are grateful to be who they are, at least for a single evening Even thetheir less attractive and popular classs on their way to school on theafter the anniversary The ill still be hot; the wicks give off s, so fresh it’s as though it had just been lit Then the girls gather round in awe and solidarity, even the ones who hate each other They close their eyes and make a wish, the same one every time: Let it never be me
The one person who has never been included in the anniversary events, not the safe driving asse ceremony on the corner of Main Street and Route 110, or the prayer vigil at the Boyds’ house, is Shelby Richraduated when Helene would have, or ranted her a diploave her a thin gold watch that she has never worn Shelby doesn’t want a gift and she doesn’t want anything beautiful and she certainly doesn’t want to knohat tie the way she and Helene had planned She was Helene’s confidante, pretty enough, but not the beautiful one She was the smart one, the one who often did hoirls had applied to NYU and were accepted, but it was too late for Helene, and as it turned out, too late for Shelby as well Shelby’s parents paid the first semester’s tuition, but she didn’t leave on the appointed day, or the day after, or the one after that Her suitcases sat in the front hall until her parents lost hope, until the leaves started changing They waited so long to withdraw her they lost all that tuition
Shelby has not done anything with her life since the night when it happened Two years have passed, but itthat has happened since doesn’t matter Hours and days are mere flashes: the ER room, the instant she slit her wrists after they stitched her up and declared her recovered froray, hazy moment when she was locked into a psych ward, the sound of the door opening when her ht her back hoht back in the car They’d had a disagreeo out and Helene did Of course Helene got her way Shelby always gave in If she refused, Helene would find someone new to follow her around Shelby hasn’t told anyone the truth about that night because it sounds as if she wereexcuses But truly, Helene wouldn’t take no for an answer She was so annoyed when Shelby hesitated that she took off thebracelet to Shelby’s that she alore Helene’s bracelet had a white enameled butterfly charm; Shelby’s butterfly was black Helene was the leader She had a char, forceful personality, and unlike Shelby, Helene always knehat she wanted As it turned out, she forgot the bracelet when they went out and Shelby lost hers in the accident The chainfor breath, bleeding through her clothes until her sweater and jeans were soaked through She’s gone back to search for the char the road, only soht
Sometimes when Shelby turns her head too quickly she can swear Helene is there She doesn’t trust her eyesight even though on her last eye exam her vision enty-twenty Still she is convinced that so with her vision It’s been so ever since that night When she looked up, she saw an angel It’s a moment that still burns inside her He leaned over and covered her with his black coat and said she couldn’t give up She was shivering and her soul was in her el kept her on earth She knows it’s insanity to think so She doesn’t need a psychiatrist to tell her that She told no one in the psychiatric hospital, not even when they asked her directly: Do you believe in des that aren’t there?
Why would an angel rescue her when she’s worthless and Helene, as so ht there, in desperate need of help? All the same, every tiel, and every ti and they get the wrong idea Hey, wait up, these hway or Main Street She must look desperate, like so, babygirl She walks faster when this happens She knows the difference between a deel, even in the dark She learned that in the hospital, and she’s not going back there again On so her as she wanders through town Shelby’sfor Shelby at two or three in the ets out of her car and shouts for her, but Shelby ducks behind the shrubbery She never answers She’s simply not worthy of her mother’s love