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Chapter One

“I can’t help feeling as if this isopposite Dr Lorne, a psychiatrist at the Havilland Recovery Cabin in northwestern New Jersey It was the next to last day of his fourth pass through a twenty-eight day program for sex and alcohol addiction The sex addiction was questionable; the alcohol was not

“I’m not sure I understand what you mean by your last chance,” said Dr Lorne He sat at his desk in the usual position: leaning back in his chair, with his elbow on the blotter, tapping a ballpoint pen against his chin He showed no ens of bias There were ti to see if he was still breathing

But Evan Littlefield had been through enough sessions like this to know Dr Lorne wanted to draw out his feelings and e him This was the first time Evan had ever been this honest in all the times he’d been to rehab He spoke in a s this,” Evan said “It’s become a way of life and I’ain, I want to enjoy my kid while he’s still a kid, and I want et all this, and more, if it kills o back to waking up drunk in the back of sos and an empty bottle of vodka in my hand”

“Do you think you’re puttingEvan said ever seemed to shock him

“I love all bars, not just gay bars,” Evan said It was the first time he’d ever admitted this aloud to anyone “I love bars where there arebut casual sex I love that hungry look in their eyes and the way they smell and feel I love the way they look at one hoain I’d never felt so comfortable in my life All the stress and anxiety and problems in the world disappeared within those dark walls And that was a straight bar When I started going to gay bars and I realized the power I had over otherwas beyond et the most fantastic concoction the universe has ever known But it gets tired after a while, and soon you begin to block out reality and nothing elseotherabout your next drink And I just can’t do it anymore I want to knohat it’s like to walk past a bar and not feel as if I’ thirty years old soon and I know deep down that if I don’t get it right this tiet another chance”

“Does turning thirty bother you?” Evan shrugged and said, “It’s an interesting feeling It’s like saying good-bye to a youth I’m not sure I ever really had I’ll be completely honest with you What I’d love to do is celebrate turning thirty by taking on thirty rough football players in a locker roo to do that anymore I’ve been lucky in one respect, and I know it I didn’t always have safe sex and I could be in a very different position right no I ed to avoid herpes I don’t know But I’ thirty is just another fucking nu this birthday with my son and friends”

“Do you feel apprehensive about going back out into the world after what happened?” the doctor asked

Evan had been through enough therapy sessions to know that Lorne was trying to see if he had post-trauht before he’d been admitted to Havilland this last tiht I don’t even remember what happened to me I only knohat I was told And you can’t be afraid of so you don’t remember”

At the end of that final session, Evan thanked Dr Lorne for everything he’d done and he went back to his roos The Havilland treate brick mansion on a luxurious estate that had been built in the late 1920s by an industrial tycoon who’d spent fifty years of his life there When he died, the faroup of philanthropists anted to start a rehab center for people who suffered from all forms of addiction Evan had become so faone on a vacation

When he finished packing his bags, he clih it was only eight o’clock and he’d ht of peace and quiet before he had to return to the real world This wasn’t the first time he’d left Havilland and he always felt apprehensive on the last night It was the one place other than a bar where he’d always felt safe The only difference was that nothing at Havilland could harht have considered spending the rest of his life at Havilland, in his stark white room, with crisp white sheets and simple white Venetian blinds But he had to return to the real world and pull as left of his life together, for himself and for his son But more than that, he wanted to feel as safe in the real world as he did in a bar or at Havilland

In the , Evan clier than usual because he hadn’the’d forgotten what it looked like He smiled when he sa bushy his pubic hair had beco smooth all over made him feel cleaner in a way he couldn’t explain He didn’t mind body hair on other men For the most part, he preferred other men to have a little natural body hair

He’d grown a goatee while he’d been there this ti tiet it just right Though his light brown hair was a little longer than he normally kept it, he styled it forward Then he added product and messed it up a little so the top would stick up in a way that looked as if he’d been riding with the top down

This was the first time since he’d entered Havilland that he’d actually looked into the ht days there wearing baseball caps and sweatpants There had been days when he hadn’t bothered to shave at all, which is hoound up with the goatee Before he left the bathrooed Though he’d been through more in the last ten years than most people he knew, his skin was still clear, he didn’t have any wrinkles, and there were no bags beneath his eyes He didn’t look a day over twenty-five Unfortunately, he felt like ninety