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FIVE YEARS EARLIER

My wrist is stiff as I run a hand back throughin the bath for the past hour, dipping my head below the water every once in a while to count how many seconds I can hold my breath for My record is ninety-three, but I wish it was more

I sit down on the edge of the tub and reach for the packet of painkillers by the sink There’s only a few tablets left, so I’ Mom will stock up on so and cla thelass of water I s the first, and then the second, then pour the remainder of the water back into the sink

My gaze falls to razed on the back ofnow Below the fresh cut, there’s a deepening bruise, a ers, and it stings fro a dull ache beneath rab myself so roo I want to do is draw attention to myself It’s after eleven I should be asleep by now I have school in the

I get topainkillers back into the cabinet above the sink, at the very back of the second shelf frohest I can reach I already know I’ll need theain, my empty reflection stares back at me in the mirror, and that’s when I notice the tiny cut iner as I exaot it, but it’s not fresh, so I know I didn’t get it tonight

I shake ot it, because as soon as it heals, there’ll be another to replace it The same way there’ll be more blood, the same way there’ll be more bruises

My reflection is still there, my eyes lifeless and sunken into my face, my shoulders slumped low and my lips set in a permanent frown I press a hand to my forehead and push back my hair to reveal a deep cut that runs parallel toto worry that it’s going to turn into a scar Quickly, I smooth my damp hair back down over it, then turn away from the mirror

I grabbrown bruises alongshirtless is never an option any new to hide I slip into a pair of shorts, then toss lance at myself one last ti is on display, so I’o

Carefully, I push open the door a few inches, and as silently as I can, I step out into the hall There are no lights on, and it’s dark I can hear the sound of the TV fro in unison at whatever show they’re watching I keepthe hall toward the stairs, but I notice that the living roorow nearer, and instead of disappearing upstairs like I should be doing, I creep over and peer around the doorframe

Mom and Dad are on the couch, their bodies entwined He has her held close against hi atop her head Although she’s laughing, she still seeot back fro the bathrooo

I back away fro up the stairs as fast as I can, two steps at a tiainst the carpet, my footsteps are alht still on, but I stop for a second to peer into the rooht, my brothers’ room

I squint into the dull rooest brother, Chase, is asleep He’s on his sto over the side of thesoftly There’s a bruised lump on his forehead frorade baseball team hurled the ball at his face by accident

I wish my bruises were only accidents, too

Stepping out of the room, I pull the door closed, but not completely Chase is still scared of the dark and he likes it to be left open, so I leave a safe crack of a couple inches and then turn for my own room

It’s exactly as I left it Myh to hand back in next week O

ne of the sheets is torn into three uneven pieces It’s the one that contains the single equation I messed up on But one simple error is apparently one error too ebra I’ll need to fix it to is finally up to his standard

I gather up the papers and stuff theht and cli onto ht side I pull my comforter up to my chest, and I lie there in the dark for what feels like forever, staring ai time to fall asleep

I raise ers, then roll my wrist in a circular motion three ti the day, but I keep forgetting After having my wrist in a cast for the past four weeks, it’s super stiff It could take another feeeks before the fracture heals fully

There’s sudden footsteps against the stairs and I dropto be asleep I do this a lot, so I’ my breath

My door opens, and there’s a moment of silence where he hovers for a couple seconds before he takes a step inside And I know it’s him It’s always him

He enters, closing the door behind hi for a while, and then I begin to sense hi, and no matter how badly I want to roll over and open my eyes to check, I don’t want to take the risk, so I stay as still as possible

I hear sohof paper, and after what happened earlier in the night, it seeain More shuffling A long sigh that sounds alroan

And then he speaks, letting his voice break the silence His words are low and hushed as he murmurs, “I’m sorry, Tyler”

I don’t know if he thinks I’m asleep or awake, but I do know that he says sorry a lot I also know that he doesn’t ain tooing to have soize for

I continue to keep still, because the quicker I can convince hi it, because he hasn’t said anything else I don’t think he’s moved either, and I don’t knohere in my room he is

A fewhappens, where I focus on , where I pray that he’ll leave And then there’s ainst the carpet, and then the opening of the door, and then one final pause He sighs again, but he sounds annoyed, and I can’t tell if he’s annoyed at me or if he’s annoyed at himself I think it’s me It usually is