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One

OK, DON’T PANIC Don’t panic It’s si cal it all neatly into my suitcase I mean, just how hard can that be?

I step back fro that if I wish hard enough, anize themselves into a series of neatly folded piles Like in those o on holiday with one cheap sarong and cleverly turn it into six different outfits (Which I always think is a co costs ten quid, but then they add loads of accessories which cost hundreds, and we’re not supposed to notice)

But when I open ain, the clutter is all still there In fact, there seems to be even more of it, as if whileout of the drawers and running around on led piles of… well… stuff Shoes, boots, Tshirts, uaphone Italian course which I’y… And, sitting proudly on ht yesterday Only forty quid from a charity shop!

I pick up the sword and experie toward my reflection in theto take up fencing for ages, ever since I read this article about it in The Daily World Did you know that fencers have better legs than any other athletes? Plus, if you’re an expert you can become a stunt double in a fil to do is find soood, which I should think I’ll do quite quickly

And then — this is e, or whatever it is, I’ll write to Catherine Zeta-Jones Because she must need a stunt double, mustn’t she? And why shouldn’t it be me? In fact she’d probably prefer someone British Maybe she’ll phone back and say she alatches my television appearances on cable, and she’s alanted to meet me! We’ll probably really hit it off, and turn out to have the sa And then I’ll fly out to her luxury holas and play with the baby We’ll be all relaxed together like old friends, and soazine will do a feature on celebrity best friends and have us in it, and maybe they’ll even ask me to be…

“Hi, Bex!” With a jolt, the happy pictures ofwith Michael and Catherine vanish, andintoa pair of ancient paisley paja?” she asks curiously

“Nothing!” I say, hastily putting the fencing sword back “Just… you know Keep fit”

“Oh right,” she says vaguely “So — how’s the packing going?” She wanders over to ins to apply it Suze always does this inat theain She says she loves the way you never knohat you ht find, like in a junk shop Which I’m fairly sure she means in a nice way

“It’s going really well,” I say “I’ which suitcase to take”

“Ooh,” says Suze, turning round, her ht pink “What about that little cream one? Or your red holdall?”

“I thought reen shell case out froht it last weekend, and it’s absolutely gorgeous

“Wow!” says Suze, her eyes widening “Bex! That’s fab! Where did you get it?”

“Fenwicks,” I say, grinning broadly “Isn’t it a?”

“It’s the coolest case I’ve ever seen!” says Suze, running her fingers adot now?” She glances up ata brown leather case, a lacquered trunk, and three vanity cases

“Oh, you know,” I say, shrugging a little defensively “The normal amount”

I suppose I have been buying quite a bit of luggage recently But the thing is, for ages I didn’t have any, just one battered old canvas bag Then, a few o I had an incredible revelation in the middle of Harrods, a bit like Saint Paul on the road to Mandalay Luggage And since then, I’ve beenup for all the lean years