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I’m lost

I’ away…

Drowning in a sea of sorrow and pain as waves of regret keep pulling me dohere an undertow of resentment won’t let me break free

Maybe I should just give up?

As I stare blankly into Dr Pajaree’s beautiful dark eyes, listening to her prognosis in her prag where theour fairy tale roliness?

YesMaybe

“It’s better known as habitual abortion…recurrent pregnancy loss… RPL…three or nancies that end in misca…”

With htly wrapped around my stomach, I rock back and forth as I try to listen to what she’s saying, her words drifting in and out of my consciousness

I know I should be payingto h, why I can’t keep a baby in h to be able to hold it in my arms, but all I want to do is shake off the cold blanket of numbness that enfolds me

It’s not working I’ Ben’s strong ar, but even his waret rid of this helplessness threatening to take over

I wonder why doctors hite coats It’s such an ugly color

Sterile

Ben givesme from my drunken-like stupor

“Tell us what to do, where to go, who to seeit doesn’t matter We will do it, Dr Pajaree No o of aze on Dr Pajaree’s face once more, I listen to her next words

“Yes, Ben” Dr Pajaree looks at Ben with understanding in her eyes for a moment, then turns in e I think it’s ti about parental chro, blood tests for thrombophilia, thyroid function, ovarian function…if we can identify the cause for RPL, then we can look at treatment options”

“E-Excuse me I need to use the ladies’ room Sorry”

The chairsound as I forcefully push it backwards and leave the roo to the bathroom, I lock myself inside and stand in front of the sink I notice a sheen of sweat covering htly

Sing hard, I close my eyes as I try to compose myself

I can’t have another panic attack

I can’t

“Cathy! Open the door, Cathy! Please, let s on the door

“Please, Cathy Open the door” There’s a hint of desperation in his voice

Not wanting to draw more attention to us, I open the door and let Ben in As soon as he walks through, he enfoldsand buries his face in the curve of my neck

“Babe, please…don’t give up It will be okay I promise you, I’ll leave no stone unturned There’s no place in the world where I won’t take you, there’s nothing I won’t do until we have a child to call our own I pro hly whispers, “For you I will do anything Anything”

As I return his e in my ear, and I believe his words witharoundaround my heart

I can feelfrom him

From his love

Froe

And there’s nothing I can do to stop it

Nothing“Babe, can you pick up the dry cleaning today? I o to the airport and pick up the new guy”

My husband lifts his brown eyes fro, and smiles the same smile that robbed o

“It doesn’t rob me of my breath anymore”

So with a man who I don’t know A er

Sometimes I feel like the normalcy of our lives will drive me insane

“Sure, no big deal Just reuy is?” He puts the newspaper down on the table and runs his hand through his short black hair Looking at , I realize how handsootten what he looks like, truly looks like, hitsbull in Pamplona

Aotten how his eaze is as penetrating as the tip of the needle when it pierces your skin? I seeotten that when he smiles a little dime to kiss it, but I don’t I really don’t have tiet to work

“Cathy? Are you listening toto geton his face and hiselectric buzzing of the landscaper working outside in our garden

Buzz - Buzz - Buzz - Buzz

Trying to clear hts, I shake?”

Tenderly s at o to the airport and pick soht?”

“Oh, yes I’ with his son and wife I think he’s going to take over the coot to run”

Standing up, I make my way to my husband and bend down to kiss hirabs the back of uides my face back to kiss him on the lips Startled, I don’t i to make its way inside in to kiss earnestly His tongue tangles withits way to e of er enters me and I break the kiss

I straighten rins widely at hing out loud when he smiles at me like that I think he has two speeds—horny or tired

“Seriously, Ben? I have to get to work” I turn around, but Ben’s hands grab my waist from behind and pull me back to sit on his lap

Oh, my…

He laughs in e erection, “Can’t help myself around you, Cathy You’re just so da Coue is inside oes back to work under my skirt