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CHAPTER ONE

Nevaeh It’s Heaven spelled backwards and the naer five stories up her nose I gri to do with her disgusting habit One of the wings to my pad is stuck to my pubic hair Mom worries about tampons and toxic shock syndrome It can’t be more painful than this

The receptionist keeps glancing at us through her owlish glasses, tapping the end of her pen on her chin “Nevaeh, do you need a tissue?” she asks

My parents are not the weirdest parents in the world after all Lucky me

Roy

Doris

Cherish

Wayne

With over ten thousand baby nae name book, how does one settle on such horrible names?

Backwards Heaven glances over at me as if I have the answer to the receptionist’s question I’er How am I supposed to knohat it feels like up there? After inspecting her size—sths that looks like soive the receptionist a small nod

Without ht be stuck, Nevaeh mimics my nod The receptionist holds out a box of tissues They both stare at er duty?

“Swayze, do you need to go potty before we leave?” Mo out of the office where I took my tests

Swayze That’s o when Nevaeh introduced herself and offered ar-free, taste-free snack frooing to ruin the world because they have no coe coht, only time will tell, but then what’s my parents’ excuse? Or Nevaeh’s parents’ excuse? Coood solid name Kids don’t want to be unique It’s true We just want to fit in

I grab the box of tissues and toss it on er slides out Sos I don’t need to know, like why it s room, why there is a water dispenser but no cups, and what’s up Nevaeh’s right nostril

“Restroo the toe of eometric patterns of the carpet

“We can’t hear you when you talk to your feet, Swayze,” Dad says like he’s said it a million times Maybe he has

I lift my head up “No, I don’t need to use the restroom! Or potty Do I still look four to you?”

His blue eyes, whichon me “Shh … you don’t need to be so loud” He smooths his hand over the top of his mostly bald head, like I ruffled his feathers, what few he has left

“Let’s just go, dear” My mom reaches for my hand

I jerk away

“Swayze”

As if giving h, she has to draw it out “Swaaayzeee” Who wants a name that rhymes with lazy and crazy?

“Well, you said you can’t hear me when I talk to my feet Can you hear me now?!”

They hear uy who testedathas tripped round voice

“Potty is what toddlers do I’m not a toddler! I’m eleven And I know stuff that other eleven-year-olds don’t know So what? That doesn’tme to places like this to take stupid tests and sit in stinky waiting rooms eird kids who have crazy names and like to chant unsolvable riddles, pull their hair, and pick their noses!”

Balling e to pullive Nevaeh a ser back into her nose

“Aenius yet?” I ask in a much calmer voice as my parents rush me to the elevator and down fifteen stories like so to kill the president Next to our blue hybrid car is a red convertible Maybe it belongs to Nevaeh’s parents Then again, that car is a little too cool for people ould name their child Heaven backwards Heaven in the opposite direction … wouldn’t that be Hell?

After checking my seatbelt, as if an eleven-year-old can’t be trusted to listen for the click and give it a tug, lares at me, jaw clenched He’s too mad to talk That’s fine I’ll knohen he’s ready to talk; his first de h louder than necessary, were self-explanatory

After long minutes of some self-imposed timeout on himself, my dad looks at my mom and nods

“Swayze?” She glances over her shoulder ather dark hair behind her ear I don’t detect any anger in her voice It’s sweet and juicy like the Starburst candy I get at the movies